Parenting Press looks at
National Violence

Helping Parents Talk to Their Kids About Violence:
Resources for Parent Educators

In the Fall 2001 issue of Parenting Press’s quarterly parent education newsletter, PEP Talk, we had coincidentally run the article, “Talking to kids about violence.” Given the recent tragedies and events following them, we are excerpting the article here for you to pass on to parents, friends and colleagues. Please feel free to reproduce the material on this page for educational purposes as long as the material is appropriately attributed to PEP Talk, published by Parenting Press, Inc. For more information on this article and the newsletter, please call (800) 992-6657, ext. 102 or e-mail our marketing department with “PEP Talk” in the subject line.

Talking to Kids About Violence
(Excerpted from the Fall 2001 issue of PEP Talk)

If you’re a parent struggling to explain terrible violence to your kids, you’re probably ready for some advice—and a sense of perspective. First, you’re right: your children are seeing more violence—and being more confused by it—than you probably were at the same age. Today media like CNN bring violence and destruction into our homes with more immediacy and more intensity than ever before. Sophisticated computer imaging makes even cartoon violence indistinguishable from reality.

Too many kids see violence in their own lives—at home, at school, in their neighborhood streets. When this suffering is exacerbated by the attacks and destruction shown on news and entertainment media, children are often convinced that the world is indeed a violent, negative place. This is an especial problem with very young children who cannot separate fact from fiction, who assume that the confrontations they see on Saturday morning cartoons are as real as the shootings and rioting blaring on the evening news.

When a tragedy occurs, parents often rush to find advice on how to explain the situation to their children. Far more important, however, is the family culture you’ve already created. Ideally, your home is an environment where emotions can be expressed freely. If kids haven’t been encouraged to describe their feelings or if the children appear to be so stunned by an event that they can’t express themselves, you need to initiate a discussion. Switch off the television and make a comment such as, “Let’s turn this off. It really scares me. How does it make you feel?”

It’s also important for kids to know that grown-ups are primarily responsible for their safety. Parents should emphasize that it is their job to protect children. You can do this by saying something like, “It’s my job to keep you safe and I will do the best I can.” Parents should also give children examples of specific actions people can take. In this situation a parent could explain, “The FAA has grounded all flights in the United States to try and keep people safe.”

Children will also feel safer if they understand that violence is not the only solution to problems. If they know that there are alternatives, if they have practiced problem-solving techniques, they will be less likely to assume that everyone resorts to confrontation and physical attacks.

Children are better prepared to find alternatives to violence if they have been taught to discriminate between positive and negative actions, between what experts call “helping hands” and “hurting hands.” Just as parents can monitor children’s exposure to television commercials and discuss how advertisers create a desire for a product, children can be taught to evaluate the images and plots of their favorite cartoons and video games. When you talk to your children about what they’re seeing on the television or computer screen, ask them whether these are the best actions to be taken in the situation.

Finally, think about why some kids like violence. It shows power and that’s what many children crave. To inoculate children against the desire for violence, whether natural or manmade, whether real or fictional, empower them in different ways. Encourage collaborative, open-ended play. Make it easy for kids to participate in many different physical activities, including team and individual sports, dance, and music. Show them how to express themselves—and their emotions—in a hundred different ways.