Tip—Establish some family standards for respectful communication at home.

Last week we looked at a useful technique for responding to an adolescent’s emotional and inflammatory remarks. This week I’d like to consider what to do if the problem continues or escalates. When a teen hurls angry accusations of bad parenting at you, it hurts. That particular dart usually finds its target and does some damage. The motivation to “win” is very high in adolescence, yet in many situations parents must stop their youngsters from doing what they want to do (go to unsafe parties, spend money unwisely, drive without permission), or compel them to do something they don’t want to do (clean up after themselves, speak to siblings in a civil voice, do homework). In the typical teens’ eyes, you win a lot and they lose. The hurtful remarks are often born out of frustration with this reality.

Tools—It’s important to teach our adolescents that they have a responsibility to treat others kindly. This includes parents and siblings. I have, on more than one occasion, reminded my teens that we owe our greatest courtesy to the people we spend the most time with—our families. Most of us wouldn’t dream of saying things to our best friends or to our bosses or co-workers that we casually fire off toward our family members.

• I recommend having a family meeting on the topic of treating each other respectfully. Explain to your kids that you will all be focusing on respectful communication with each other. If you haven’t already taught them to use “I” statements, then do so now. (See our earlier article for more information on “I” statements.) Tell your teen, “Because we are family and we love each other, we need to show great respect for each other. If you wouldn’t say, ‘Get your fat butt out of my room!’ to your best friend, then you have no business saying it to your brother.” One important point: You have to lead by example, here. Commit yourself to calm, respectful communication with your spouse and kids, even if that is not what you’re getting in return, at first. If you don’t lead, they will not follow.

Fine, you say. But what if your child is not cooperating with this plan? What if, despite your best and sincere efforts, she still indulges in hurtful comments? I have a couple recommendations for these times.

• First, make an appointment to talk with her at a calm, non-conflict time. Take her out to a restaurant she likes. For example, “We need to talk about how things are going around here. I’d like to take you to Mad Dog Diner for a milkshake. When’s a good time for you?” This neutral setting at a non-conflict time will help both of you to discuss the problem of disrespect in a relatively civil manner. Lay out the problem and ask for her input and suggestions. Consider her perspective (maybe it’s true you do yell a lot, or her brother borrows her iPod without asking, or she’s asked to do an unfair proportion of the “disgusting” chores). Tell her how you’d like her to express her emotions and communicate her positions. Also, put her on notice that if she continues to make really hurtful comments, there will be consequences.



• In my book, Go to Your Room!: Consequences That Teach, I discuss the problem of backtalk and ways to deal with it. You can use the same sort of consequence for a pattern of hurtful comments or insults. When your son delivers his third scathing comment of the day, you can look at him calmly and say, “When you talk to me in that tone of voice and using those words, I am drained of any goodwill I might have had for you and your plans today. I am no longer willing to. . . [take you to your soccer practice, buy you those tennis shoes you want, loan you the car—whatever the adolescent was next depending on you to do or provide for him]. You need to say this very calmly and then leave the room. Ignore his reaction for all you’re worth; refuse to re-engage.

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in Go to Your Room!: Consequences That Teach by Shari Steelsmith.

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