Tip—Anger almost always masks a primary emotion.

Ah, anger. As therapists Jennifer Brown and Pam Provonsha Hopkins point out, it is normal and necessary, but rarely comfortable and sometimes destructive. It behooves us to figure out how to express it in ways that don’t do damage and to teach our children to do the same.

There are reasons we get angry. Trouble is, these reasons may not be immediately obvious to others or even to ourselves. It can be even more challenging to figure out with a child who doesn’t really speak yet. “Dealing with anger is complicated by the fact that it is seldom the primary, or first, feeling we have. Anger usually follows another feeling, making it the secondary feeling,” write Brown and Hopkins, in their new book, What Angry Kids Need: Parenting Your Angry Child Without Going Mad. “Before we feel angry, we usually feel vulnerable in some way, perhaps disappointed or embarrassed.”

For example, an adult being criticized at work may feel embarrassed at the loss of dignity or respect and then feel angry, thinking, “My boss is such a jerk.” Anger is the secondary feeling.

Tool—The transition from the first feeling to anger happens in a split second, usually completely outside a person’s awareness. Let’s say a two-year-old wants ice cream for dinner and instantly has an angry tantrum when Mom says “No,” and tries to open the freezer door anyway. This child is likely unaware that she is, at the root of the matter, simply disappointed. Her anger flares so quickly on the heels of disappointment that it is the only emotion either she or Mom can identify at the moment. Yet, given a moment of reflection, it is simple enough for Mom to figure out and to say, “You’re very disappointed that you can’t have ice cream right now.”

Here’s another example. Emily, age eight, doesn’t get invited to her classmate’s birthday party. Her primary feeling? Sadness. She thought that girl liked her and now she feels left out. Her secondary feeling? Anger. She tells Mom the other girls are stupid and she’s not inviting them to her own party next month. Or Jakob, age eleven, falls during a kickball game in PE class and scrapes his knees. His primary feelings? Embarrassment and pain—his knees sting. His secondary feeling? Anger. He accuses the boy next to him of knocking into him on purpose.

Why do we tend to flash to anger so quickly? Because primary emotions often make us feel vulnerable or unsafe—and that’s uncomfortable. Our culture views anger as a strong, powerful emotion whereas the primary emotions are often seen as weaknesses.

Brown and Hopkins list in their book fifteen common primary emotions that often trigger anger. Here are a few excerpted from that list:

• Feeling hurt

• Feeling overwhelmed

• Feeling rejected

• Feeling powerless

• Feeling frustrated

When teaching children to manage and express their anger in a healthy way, it is important to pinpoint the primary feeling.

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in What Angry Kids Need: Parenting Your Angry Child Without Going Mad by Jennifer Anne Brown, M.S.W. and Pam Provonsha Hopkins, M.S.W.

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