Tip--Increase your effectiveness with your children by varying the parenting tools you use.

I think I'm in a parenting rut. My three year old fights me about twenty times a day--over what cereal to have for breakfast, taking a bath, closing the door--you name it. I've gotten so I send him to his room for each incident. It stops the conflict for the moment, but he isn't really learning anything and the fights are not decreasing.

Tools--Elizabeth Crary describes fifteen specific parenting tools that can be adapted to many situations in her books Love & Limits and Help! The Kids Are at It Again.

"The tools are organized in five areas, or points, which are equally important," says Crary. "You can use this information to deal with your children's behavior and to teach them new skills." The points of the star and a few sample tools are described below.

• Avoid Problems. The purpose of this set of tools is to reduce the hassles so that you can focus on what is really important. Tools in this set include: Offer two yeses (see Tip for July 26, 1997), Change things, and Reduce stress.

• Set Appropriate Limits. Establish clear rules and boundaries. Then expect your child to test them. Tools in this set include: Clear rules, Consequences (see Tips for May 24 & 31, 1997), and A Better Way.

  

• Acknowledge Feelings. It is helpful to acknowledge children's feelings without judging them or agreeing with them. Tools here include: Simple listening, Active listening (See Tip for Feb. 15, 1997), and Grant in fantasy.

• Respond to Cooperation. You can increase good behavior by noticing it when it happens. You can do this by using the tools of Praise (see Tip for May 3, 1997), Reward, and Attention (see Tip for August 23, 1997).

• Teach New Skills. Offer your children skills needed for living in the family, and eventually, out in the world. Tools in this set include Modeling, Shaping, and Re-do it right.

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in Love & Limits: Guidance Tools for Creative Parenting and Help! The Kids Are at It Again: Using Kids’ Quarrels to Teach “People” Skills by Elizabeth Crary.

Love & Limits - paperback Help! The Kids Are at It Again - paperback

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