Tip--Help children feel that they "belong" by giving them appropriate attention and by teaching them to ask for it in appropriate ways.

Keep in mind--Children perceive attention from adults as evidence that they belong--in the family, school, or community. Belonging is one of our basic human needs. Most children believe that if they cannot get attention, they do not belong.

Tools--Elizabeth Crary, author of Help! The Kids Are at It Again, a book on reducing sibling quarrels, recommends that parents tell their children it is okay to want attention and teach them how to get it in different ways from different people. A few ideas, drawn from her book, are presented below.

• Feeling welcome in the family. Each child needs to feel loved, appreciated, and accepted in his family. You can help your child in this area by giving affirming messages, such as, "I'm glad you're my child," "You are so special to me," or "I like having you here with me." Children need these messages all the time--especially when their behavior is difficult.

• It is okay to ask for attention. When children are not clearly told that it is okay to ask for attention, they set up situations where they're sure to get it without asking--for example, hurting a sibling gets a parent's attention very quickly. Parents need to accept the fact that children need attention and the younger they are, the quicker they need it, no matter how inconvenient it is.

  

• Children can get attention in appropriate ways. Children can ask for a hug or a kiss. They can ask for a parent to watch them do something. They can ask for company. They can ask for help with a short task--such as tying a shoe or combing hair. They can ask for an adult's participation in an activity--as quick as reading a picture book together, or as involved as planting a vegetable garden together. What children will choose will depend on how the adult responds.

• Children can get attention from different people. Parents are not the only people to get attention from. Children can get attention from grandparents, friends, neighbors, or teachers. Attention helps children feel like they belong.

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in Help! The Kids Are at It Again: Using Kids’ Quarrels to Teach “People” Skills by Elizabeth Crary.

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