Tip--Take advantage of teens' increased intellectual abilities by helping them understand the realistic, long-term consequences of lying, and the sometimes difficult, but more rewarding results of truthfulness.

Keep in mind--Louise Tracy points out in her book on parenting adolescents, Grounded for Life?!, that teens are out of your sight a good part of the day. There's a lot that can happen that you have no immediate control over or knowledge of. It is essential that there be an adequate level of trust between parent and child. Truthfulness builds and maintains trust and lying erodes or destroys it.

Tools--Here are a few ideas and techniques that will help you broach the topic of honesty and to respond to lying if it happens.

• Discuss the concept of honesty with your teen. Talk about gray areas such as: exaggerating, flattery, telling only part of the truth, cheating, lying to protect oneself or another, white lies, etc.

  Talk openly about the personal costs of lying. In good people, it causes guilt, remorse, or at the least, a twinge of conscience. Lying erodes personal integrity.

  Ask your teen to visualize his or her ideal girlfriend/ boyfriend (or in the future, spouse). Then ask your teen what kind of personal integrity that person would expect a partner to have? Would she or he want to be with someone who lies?

• Discuss the consequences of lying to a parent. Acknowledge that you can't always know what your teen is doing and emphasize that you are placing trust in him to behave in an appropriate fashion and to be truthful to you about his activities.

  If he lies to you, then that damages the relationship between you and destroys the trust you have placed in him. He must then make efforts toward repairing the relationship and earning back your trust.

  
  For example, a teen who disrespects his curfew, comes in late and lies about it, might experience the following consequences: 1. No outings apart from family for a certain period of time; 2. A much stricter curfew for a certain period of time until the parent is satisfied the teen is able and willing to abide by the rules. Apologizing and respecting these consequences would demonstrate the teen's good faith efforts toward earning back your trust.

• Praise goodness. Unfortunately, in most families, achievement is remarked on and rewarded vastly more than goodness. This is partly why "A" students are caught cheating on tests. Notice, value, and praise honesty and other moral behavior.

• Remain calm when your teen lies to you. Few things are more infuriating, but flying off the handle rarely motivates any teen to change behavior. Instead, most will put their energy into defending themselves or warding off your rage. Take a deep breath or a time-out, if you need to. Come back to the discussion when you are both calm and explain again the consequences of lying. A parent who calmly expresses deep disappointment in a teen's behavior and sets appropriate consequences can be much more effective than one who rants and raves.

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in Grounded for Life?! Stop Blowing Your Fuse and Start Communicating with Your Teenager by Louise Tracy.

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