Tip--Emphasize honesty as a valued character trait and behavior in your family.

Keep in mind--Lying usually works for children in a short-term way: if believed, they avoid punishment. Most kids have a hard time looking beyond this to the longer-term consequences of guilt, remorse, and damage to relationships.

Tools--The following ideas will help you get started on teaching your school-aged child about the value of truthfulness and give you a few pointers on dealing with lying.

• In Elizabeth Crary's choose-your-own ending book, Finders, Keepers?, a young boy experiences both the short-term rewards of dishonesty and the long-term consequences, as well as the less obvious rewards, of telling the truth.

  Crary says, "Reading books like mine and discussing 'What If?' scenarios help parents illustrate the pitfalls of lying and reinforce the idea that they expect the truth." Some possible "What if?" questions for children are:

  "What if . . . it were a rule in your house not to play in the neighboring field. But you disobeyed the rule and went out to play hockey with your friends. Your hockey stick broke on a rock. When your mom asked you how it happened, you told her your little brother must have been playing with it."

  (Short-term reward: No punishment for playing in the field. Long-term consequences: Unfair blame on sibling, damage to relationship with sibling and parent, guilt, remorse, erosion of self-esteem)

  or

  "What if . . . you were playing with a stick and pushed out several rungs of the fence with it. Your dad saw it and asked you, 'Did you take a hammer and knock out the fence?' You answered, 'No' and told yourself, 'I didn't use a hammer to do it.'"

  (Short-term reward: No punishment for dmaging the fence. Long-term consequences: A ruined fence, damage to relationship with parent, guilt, remorse, erosion of self-esteem)

• Set a good example for your children. Be truthful and honest in your own everyday behavior. Never ask your children to lie for you ("Tell him I'm not home"). Let your children see you go out of your way to be honest: for example, if a clerk gives you too much change, point it out and return it. Admit your own mistakes and let your children see how you rectify them. Parental example is very powerful.

  

• Give your children a second chance to tell the truth. If you sense your child is embarking on a lie, you can say, "Stop. I really want the truth. Start again." Be more quick to praise truthfulness than you are to come down on a lie. (See last week's Tip for more on this.) Children who can trust their parents not to fly off the handle are more likely to confess wrongdoing.

• Some families have this policy: If you break a rule, you get a consequence. If you lie about it, you get another consequence. If a child is simply lying to avoid punishment, this policy can help motivate her to be truthful.

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in Finders, Keepers? by Elizabeth Crary.

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