Tip--Increase your children's ability to identify their feelings by modeling "feeling" language in your everyday conversations.

Keep in mind--Feelings are confusing and changeable, therefore it is important for young children to be able to identify how they feel. Elizabeth Crary, in her guidance book Without Spanking or Spoiling, offers communication techniques that help children identify their emotions.

Tools--Use two communication techniques to help children develop a "feeling" language.

Active Listening helps children clarify their feelings. For instance, you might observe, "Katie, you look happy when you pet the kitty." Or, "You feel mad when your brother won't share his dinosaurs." Active Listening is noticing a child's feelings and commenting on them. You can do it during times of conflict or use it during playtime. You don't ask questions, solve the problem, or tell the child what to do.

I-Statements are used to clarify a problem when the parents own the problem. I-Statements are useful for modeling a constructive way of handling anger or other situations. An I-Statement has three parts:

• When . . . (non-judgmental description of behavior)
• I feel . . . (name your feeling)
• Because . . . (gives the effect the behavior has on you or others)

Some examples of I-Statements:

• "When you scream loudly, I feel mad because it hurts my ears."
• "When you hug me, I feel good because I know you love me."
• "When children don't help pick up toys, I feel mad and tired because then I have to pick them up myself."

The more you use I-Statements and Active Listening, the more feeling words children will learn and begin to use themselves.

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in Without Spanking or Spoiling: A Practical Approach to Toddler and Preschool Guidance by Elizabeth Crary.

E-mail this page to a friend