Tip—Start instilling the basis for gratitude by gently teaching the polite phrases, “Please” and “Thank you.”

It being November, our thoughts usually turn to gratitude—whether it’s being thankful for what is good in your life or simply being grateful that the big holiday dinner is over with for another year! Pediatric nurse Helen Neville and author of Is This a Phase? Child Development & Parent Strategies, Birth to 6 Years answers the question, when can you expect children to start feeling gratitude?

Neville points out that feeling grateful means recognizing that someone went out of their way to do something nice for us and feeling happy or thankful about that; the more we understand how far they go out of their way, the deeper our gratitude. “It’s not until age seven that children have enough experience with life to start understanding this idea. They will understand more at nine, and each year thereafter.”

Tools—Neville offers information on each stage of teaching your child about gratitude and how to gently teach your child to express it. It all begins with “Please” and “Thank You.”

• At age two, children don’t yet have the cognitive ability to understand our efforts on their behalf. Polite words, such as “please” and “thank you” have no real meaning yet. But it’s never too early to start modeling the use of these words and letting them copy you.
• At three years, many children will begin mimicking adults and saying “please” and “thank you.” Common prompts like, “What’s the magic word?” will help them remember. It is rote learning, but again, a good habit to instill.
• At age four, children understand rules and much more about cause and effect. Now they are starting to have a glimmer that “please” and “thank you” are about how we address people who do things for us.
• By the time children are five years old, if they have regularly heard the polite phrases of “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me,” they will begin to reliably use them themselves. Feelings are less intense than they were at four, so five year olds have more time to remember and use these words. If you haven’t deliberately taught them before, now is the time.

In general, Neville recommends regularly encouraging young children to look outside themselves and notice the good people and things around them. “Before bedtime or during meals, invite children to think about or give thanks for favorite people they were with that day, a food they like on the table, an activity they enjoyed, or a good feeling they had.”

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in Is This a Phase? Child Development & Parent Strategies, Birth to 6 Years by Helen F. Neville, B.S., R.N.

E-mail this page to a friend