Tip—Give your child specific, descriptive feedback on both the problem behavior and what you’d like to see instead.

Taking “No” for an answer isn’t a simple skill, by any means, but for some temperaments, it’s much more difficult. It is common for all children to try whining, arguing, bargaining or pleading when faced with a “No” answer. Most gradually learn to accept the disappointment of a “No” and cope. Some highly persistent children, however, fail to notice when their persistence irritates someone and keep at it. Lyndall Shick, author of Understanding Temperament: Strategies for Creating Family Harmony, comments, “Highly persistent children are known for being champion naggers. They come back over and over again for the same thing. Some children can literally do it dozens of times.” Counselor Laurie Simons adds, “Extreme persistence is annoying to others. Children need to notice when others are annoyed and practice backing off.”

I have one of these kids. My fourteen-year-old son doesn’t really nag for things he wants, but will argue a disputed point to the death. He fails to notice when the other person begins to get irritated and doesn’t back off until the person gets angry. Then he’s either puzzled or outraged by the angry response because his own position seems so reasonable to him—why would someone get upset about it? I’ve been wondering how best to help him tune into others’ emotional responses and ratchet down his persistence accordingly (and I also want to feel less like selling him to the gypsies when he does it with me).

Tools—Shick says that if you want your child to try a new way of behaving, give him specific, descriptive feedback on what it is you want to see more of. She cautions against using negative labels.

• Change a label to a description. For example, the negative label”You’re an argumentative know-it-all” becomes the more neutral description, “You are persistent in your opinions.”

• Take advantage of a teen’s intense interest in self-understanding to help him cope with life’s challenges. Shick advises having a heart-to-heart chat about feelings and how others might perceive your teen because of his temperament traits. She suggests candidly helping him to see himself through the eyes of someone who does not appreciate his temperament. In my son’s case, I could describe some of his teachers’ comments—such as he “continues beyond what is reasonable.” We could talk about how it’s important to know when to back off gracefully. I could teach him such phrases as, “We can agree to disagree” and “I guess I have a different opinion.”



• Give your child practice at backing off. Simons suggests playing simple games with children to help them practice these skills. Her book, Taking “No” for an Answer and Other Skills Children Need, includes four games that address this issue.

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in Understanding Temperament: Strategies for Creating Family Harmony by Lyndall Shick, M.A. and Taking “No” for an Answer and Other Skills Children Need by Laurie Simons, M.A.

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