Tip—Noticing and connecting with a child during an emotional moment will provide opportunities for teaching how to handle emotions.

I teach the seven year old Sunday School class in our church. All the children meet together for songs and such at the beginning of the hour and then we break up into smaller groups. At the beginning of the year we got the new little three year olds, fresh out of nursery. As you can probably predict, they weren’t all that happy about the change. Two or three of them simply collapsed in their chairs, crying. Trying to help, I put one little boy on my lap and held him throughout singing time. “I can see you’re really sad,” I said. “This is different from nursery.” He cried a little while longer and then snuggled against me, watching the proceedings in silence. Thinking back on this little episode, I can see that this was a moment of emotional connection, as described by Dr. John Gottman, author of What Am I Feeling?

In January we looked Gottman’s process for teaching empathy—which began with emotional awareness. In order to teach empathy, you must first be aware of a child’s emotions. Next, adults need to connect with the child and begin to teach them ways to recognize emotions for what they are and then handle or express them in a healthy way. Dr. Gottman points out that, as adults, we experience many emotions every day. We’ve had years of practice in learning how to deal with them. But to young children, emotions are new and oftentimes overwhelming. The little boy I held in Sunday School was definitely overwhelmed by his fear of the new class.

The connecting step is about engaging the child at the point of the emotional upset and sharing the experience. This is what I did with the little boy, even though he was already at the overwhelmed point. Such connecting can happen earlier, before the feelings escalate. Gottman asserts that talking about feelings before they grow into a crisis can help a child handle their emotions while still manageable. When children are calmer, they learn more easily.

Tools—Gottman offers several tips for parents and caregivers on recognizing opportunities for emotional connection and making the most of them; a few of his ideas are summarized below.

• Pay close attention to a child’s emotions—don’t dismiss or avoid them.

• See emotional moments as opportunities to draw closer to the child. In other words, try not to see every upset as a tantrum that you must deal with; instead, view it as an opportunity to build a stronger bond with your child.

• Encourage a child to talk about his emotions and share what he is feeling. If he’s not talking, you might make an observation, such as, “Looks like you’re feeling disappointed that Sarah can’t come over to play.”

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in What Am I Feeling? by John Gottman, Ph.D.

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