Tip— Steer your child toward self-calming skills that match up well with her temperament.

Last week we looked at different ways children can calm themselves down when they are upset. This week we will look at a few less traditional categories of self-calming tools. Every person is different and what things work to calm you down may not be the best choice for your child. It’s useful to look at temperament when you decide which of the self-calming tools you might introduce to your child. For example, a very active child would probably respond well to physical self-calming methods, like running or biking. A very creative child might be more naturally drawn to drawing or painting to release tension. Some children calm themselves down by stroking a pet. Myself, I prefer to get lost in a good book.

Elizabeth Crary, parent educator and author of the newly-released Dealing with Disappointment: Helping Kids Cope When Things Don’t Go Their Way, writes that children need a variety of tools to calm themselves—not just one way. She suggests that children have at least one tool for each year of age; a two-year-old needs two tools, a five-year-old needs five tools, and so on.

Tools—Here are three additional groups of self-calming tools. Look at these and the ones described in last week’s tip and begin to think about which ones might be best for your child.

• Visual tools. It’s no accident there are often fish tanks in hospital and dental office waiting rooms. Many people find watching fish relaxing and soothing. Visual people often calm themselves by detaching from their surroundings and looking outward or inward. Your child might visualize himself in a calm place, read a book, watch the trees sway, or imagine his strong feelings draining gradually away.

  

• Creative tools. These tools focus the child’s energy in a constructive way and usually involve repetitive hand movements. Children could draw, paint, write poetry, write in a journal, play the piano, or build Legos. The child should already have some skill in the area, or trying to create might add more frustration.

• Humor tools. Laughter has been shown to reduce stress, aid recovery from illness, reduce pain and just help us generally feel better. This is a somewhat sophisticated tool, since making a laughing matter out of one’s stress isn’t always easy to do—you don’t want your child to think you’re making fun of her. However, some people (and children) are born with a talent for seeing the humorous side to things. Crary suggests watching funny movies, reading humorous books and making an effort to see the lighter side of things.

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in Dealing with Disappointment: Helping Kids Cope When Things Don’t Go Their Way by Elizabeth Crary, M.S.

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