Tip—You will help your child greatly toward self-sufficiency by teaching her ways to soothe and calm herself down.

Life being what it is, your child will encounter any number of situations that upset, anger, or disappoint her. When children are young and mostly dependent, parents are quick to rush in and “fix” the problem—distract the child, buy a new balloon, or mend the broken toy. While this is a natural impulse, parent educator Elizabeth Crary points out that it doesn’t teach the child anything about how to comfort or soothe herself. If parents make a regular practice of fixing all the problems, then that child will gradually become dependent upon others for her own happiness. It’s better, Crary says, to teach your child how to deal with upsetting situations and to calm herself.

Tools— Crary outlines a group of six self-calming tools children can learn to use in her new book, Dealing with Disappointment: Helping Kids Cope When Things Don’t Go Their Way. A few of her suggestions are outlined below.

• Physical tools. Here are some classic self-calming tools for when we are angry or very upset. Physical activity, particularly involving large muscles, helps many people feel calmer. Running, dancing, swimming, aerobic dance or exercise are all examples. Children can run laps, kick a ball around, ride a bike, swim, dance or jump on a trampoline to help reduce their restless energy and emotion. (Note: short, quick movements, like hitting a pillow or punching bag rarely have the same calming effect as the large movements.)

• Verbal/Auditory tools. For many of us, crying or screaming comes naturally when we are upset. Most young children use crying or screaming as their primary way of communicating distress. As children develop language and a feelings vocabulary, they can begin to communicate what they want and need more clearly. With some children, simply talking about the upsetting situation calms them down. For others, listening to music helps (either soothing or rousing music, depending upon the person).

• Self-comforting tools. We are all born with the instinct to suck—and this is our first self-soothing tool when we are babies. Many infants are comforted by a pacifier, thumb, bottle, or nursing. As children grow, this oral activity can change to chewing pencils or chewing hair. Some common self-comforting tools that soothe children are: asking for a hug, a back rub, taking a bubble bath, curling up with a good book, lounging outside, drinking juice, eating a bowl of chicken soup or a piece of chocolate.

  (Note: some parents object to using food for comfort—however, food can be appropriate for self-calming if you vary the types of self-calming tools you use and don’t use food exclusively. Crary points out that many problems with children arise when they are hungry—in this case, offering a nutritious snack is appropriate to solve the problem and comfort the child. Even when the child is not hungry, carbohydrates can be helpful because they increase the serotonin level in the brain which enhances mood.)

Next week we will look at further ideas for self-calming.

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in Dealing with Disappointment: Helping Kids Cope When Things Don’t Go Their Way by Elizabeth Crary, M.S.

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