Tip--Being aware of your uppermost values can help you in resolving any conflicts in how you go about living and expressing those values.

We all have values, but of course, we hold some more highly than others. I might value family interaction time much more than I do watching TV. You might value fostering your children's friendships more than allowing them to spend time playing computer games. But what is happening when I find myself spending time with my children watching the 56^th showing of The Wizard of Oz? Or when your son has two friends over and they spend all their time playing computer games? "Values have an impact on each other," says Harriet Heath, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Using Your Values to Raise Your Child to Be an Adult You Admire. "They can build and strengthen each other, or they can pull in opposite directions, undermining the effectiveness of each one."

The key to resolving inconsistencies in your values is to consider them as a whole. For example, once I became aware that too much of the together-time with my kids revolved around videos, I began looking for other, more creative, active ways to have fun: play dough, reading books, or gardening. The mom with the computer game aficionados might set some parameters around the play date to begin with. She might say to her son, "Jason and Mark are coming at two o'clock. What is your plan for entertaining them?" If her son answered "Computer games," she could say, "No, that's something you can do by yourself. Think of something you can all three do together." Her son might plan to build blocks, play a board game, or kick a soccer ball around with his friends.

In both of these examples, the children were receiving conflicting messages about parental values until a little more thought came into play. The question these kind of situations raise is, am I giving clear, consistent messages about my values in what I say, and what I do, or are my values in conflict?

Tools--The following questions are drawn from Using Your Values and are designed to help you resolve value conflicts.

List and describe pairs of values you hold that are in conflict.

Examples of possible kinds of conflicts are:

• One value teaches undesirable behavior, according to the other value.
• One value sets expectations that conflict with the other value.
• Acting on one value lessens the likelihood of child gaining skills relevant to the other value.

Pair of values	Conflict	Impact on parenting

What ways do you see to resolve the conflict?

What different way of behaving could resolve the conflict?

What similar aspects among the values might lead to resolution?
(Example: Helping a child develop good judgment will allow her to be both Caring and Competitive)

You’ll find more practical tips you can use right now in Using Your Values to Raise Your Child to Be an Adult You Admire by Harriet Heath, Ph.D.

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