Looking for a sidebar?

Writing a story about parents who can't give up control?

Here are two quizzes that work well for sidebars.

Both are adapted from Unplugging Power Struggles: Resolving Emotional Battles with Your Kids, by Jan Faull, M.Ed.

Sidebar 1:

What's your "control quotient"?

Some parents are almost guaranteed to struggle for control with their children, says Jan Faull, author of Unplugging Power Struggles: Resolving Emotional Battles with Your Kids (Parenting Press, Seattle, (800) 992-6657, $13.95). If you find yourself arguing with your child about almost everything, ask yourself if you fit one of the following "control-obsessed" profiles.

• Are you a parent with lots of power in your professional or civic life who expects to manage your kids the same way you do your career?
• Are you a "powerless" parent — one determined to control your children's lives because you have little control over your own?
• Do you expect your children to live up to your vision of the perfect child?
• Are you a perfectionist, who believes there's only one right way to do things?
• Are you unrealistic about your expectations for what young children are interested in and can accomplish?
• Do you want to relive your life through your children, expecting them to accomplish what you didn't?
• Do you want your children to live their lives exactly as you have lived yours?

If you find yourself answering "yes" to any of these questions, you'll appreciate the practical, parent-tested advice in Faull's book. It will help you understand how to avoid power struggles with your children, how to stand firm on nonnegotiable issues and why children need to assume control of their own lives.

Sidebar 2:

How do you handle power struggles?

When you and your kids are struggling for control, how do you handle the situation? Do you hold on? Negotiate, compromise or offer choices? Or do you let go? Here are four typical parent-child conflicts—with several different options for diffusing each situation. Which would you choose? Check below for a description of the technique you're using.

1. Four-year-old Jeremy and his mother Julie engaged in power struggle after power struggle in all the routine parts of the day: getting dressed, fastening the seat belt, going to and leaving the store. Julie was exhausted, baffled and ready to give up on parenting. When she was a little girl, if her mom gave her cereal for breakfast, she'd eat it, no questions asked. She expected Jeremy to be as compliant as she was. How does Julie solve her daily struggles with Jeremy?
   1. Julie continues to force Jeremy to be compliant, as she was as a child.
   2. Julie lets Jeremy make a simple decision like choosing what he wants for breakfast.
   3. Julie steps back from the situation and lets Jeremy wear his pajamas to preschool.
    
2. Joe's daughter, Carrie, is only nine years old, but she likes to talk on the telephone nonstop and do her homework in front of the television. So Dad established this rule: No TV or phone between 7 and 8 p.m. on weekdays. When Carrie first heard the rule, she spouted off, "You're not fair. My favorite programs are on between 7 and 8. My friends can't talk after 8. This new rule is stupid. You're mean!" Faced with this response, Joe chooses to:
   1. consistently enforce this new rule.
   2. let Carrie watch TV or talk on the phone while she does her homework, but not both.
   3. let Carrie continue in her nonstop manner, and re-evalute his decision when semester grades come out.
    
3. Five-year-old James dawdled when it was time to put his toys away. He took 15 minutes just to put his marking pens in the art box. Mom and Dad yelled at him, holding onto their power and control by refusing to let him eat dinner until all the toys were put away. James continued to poke through clean-up time, and dinner was delayed until finally Mom and Dad angrily threw the toys in their proper containers. What do you think James's parents should do?
   1. stick by their guns and not let James have dinner until the toys are picked up.
   2. put the cars away, if James puts the markers and blocks away.
   3. remove themselves from the situation and let James have a messy room.
    
4. Nine-year-old Ryan is not allowed to ride his bike around the block. Daily he begs Mary, his mom, "Please, please let me ride around the block just once." Mary fears that if she lets him go cruising around the block one day, the next he will be begging to ride to the park, and then before long to ride to the mall. She is also afraid of what might happen when she can't see him around the block, and is bent on keeping him safe. Mary believes she has three options:
   1. Mary feels that safety may be an issue and therefore sticks to her decision.
   2. Mary stipulates that Ryan is only allowed to ride around the block when he has a friend with him.
   3. Mary determines that her fear is irrational, explains her stance to Ryan, and sends him on his way.

Interpretation: If you consistently circled (a) as your response, the technique you most typically use to respond to a power struggle is: Hold on, what Faull calls remaining committed to a decision and sticking with it.

If you consistently circled (b) as your response, the technique you most typically use is: Negotiate, compromise, offer choices. Faull recommends this when a parent would like to turn some power over to the child in the resolution process.

If you most often chose (c), the technique you most typically use is: Let go. This, says Faull, is an option when controlling a child is inappropriate, based on an irrational fear, or the timing isn't good for solving the problem.

To diffuse a power struggle, it may take a combination of all three techniques. If the technique you are using is not getting the response you want, try one of the other techniques. For more advice, Unplugging Power Struggles: Resolving Emotional Battles with Your Kids (Parenting Press, $13.95) by Jan Faull, M.Ed., is available at www.ParentingPress.com or toll-free: (800) 992-6657.

For more information:
Parenting Press Publicity Coordinator
E-mail: Publicity Coordinator
Telephone: (800) 992-6657, ext. 102
Fax: (206) 364-0702

About the Book:
Title: Unplugging Power Struggles: Resolving Emotional Battles with Your Kids
Author: Jan Faull, M.Ed.
Publisher: Parenting Press, Inc., Seattle, WA
Publication date: October 2000
ISBN: 1-884734-42-1
Price: $13.95, 128 pages