Parenting Press E-zine

News for Parents — June

Dear Friends of Parenting Press,

Welcome to the June issue of our electronic newsletter for parents. Our goal is to provide you with interesting and useful information in a format that’s quick and easy to read—and FREE. We welcome your comments, both about the newsletter content and its format. To get the newsletter delivered, you can sign up for an e-mail subscription.

June 2007

IN THIS ISSUE

WHAT’S NEW?
FEATURES
POTPOURRI

I. WHAT’S NEW?

Start Summer Projects with Scavenger Hunt

Kick off summer vacation by combining housecleaning with a scavenger hunt. Start with a list of projects for the next few weeks; either make the list yourself or brainstorm with your kids. Then send them digging through closets, drawers, toybox, backpacks and even under the beds to find cast-offs that they can use for these projects. We’ve listed a few projects here. Two more are in “Family Fun.”

The Blues of Jean-e-ology

When you clean closets and drawers, you’ll probably turn up jeans that are too tattered to hand down—or so plain your kids don’t want to wear them. If that’s the problem, then Jeaneology, a new book by Nancy Flynn (Zest Books, zestbooks.net), may be the solution.

It offers dozens of ideas for re-using or snazzing up jeans, including restyling them with flare inserts, adding sparkly or stenciled embellishments, or cutting the pants into skirts, shorts, handbags, jewelry, book jackets and potholders.

Probably of most interest to middle-school girls, this book is long on inspiration and short on specifics: for example, there aren’t enough how-to’s on installing a zipper and too many projects are finished with bias tape, which is challenging to apply. Beginning seamstresses will be happiest with the results if they have help from an experienced sewer. The newsletter editor’s favorite: the “Cordon Blue” place mats made with strips of denim, which are a good project for even novices.

Transform Tins

Tiny candy tins, metal CD boxes and old cookie or fruitcake tins can be transformed with paint or decoupage. Cover the top of a mint tin with a map from a recent vacation and fill the box with photos of the trip, either as your own “album” or as a thank-you for someone you visited. Turn a flat tin into a mailer for a 3-D party invitation and decorate the larger boxes for treasure chests. (Or let your party guests do it as an activity.)

You can trim “chests” with other odds and ends from your clean-up: stamps, ribbon, keys, buttons, game pieces and charms. Add a hinge, a clasp and a handle and your treasures can travel with you!

April, August, October—All into Envelopes

You couldn’t bear to throw out your 2006 calendars? Yes, we agree: the pictures were just too pretty. Share the scenes with a friend by trimming the calendar pages into envelopes for handmade cards. All you need is a standard-size envelope to take apart for a template.

Box Lids Become Stencils

What can you do with the vinyl lids from stationery boxes and other packages? Cut your own stencils, that’s what! Kids can draw a simple image on vinyl with a permanent marker, either freehand or traced from a coloring book. You or an older child can cut out certain parts and then it’s easy for almost anyone to transfer the image using sponges or brushes and paint. A very special design can be stenciled onto a T-shirt for the artist or an apron for a gift. (If you have a budding quilter, the vinyl works well for quilt templates, too.)

Melted Crayon Art

Any home with children is almost guaranteed to have bits and pieces of crayons. And, oh, what you can do with those colors! We recommend three projects, one for outdoors and another two for inside.

If it’s hot or you have access to an outdoor fireplace, use the crayons to decorate rocks that have been heated. As kids draw on the hot rocks, the wax in the crayons will melt, giving you vibrant colors.

Especially when you need a rainy day activity, get out the crayon bits and an electric warming tray. Cover the tray with aluminum foil, turn it to its lowest heat and then put a sheet of paper on the foil-covered surface. Just as with hot rocks, when kids draw on the warm paper, the crayons will melt just enough to provide vivid colors.

A third project is an old favorite: grind up the crayons in an inexpensive plastic pencil sharpener and spread the shavings between two sheets of white or waxed paper. Set your iron on its lowest heat and protect your work surface with old towels and a couple of layers of newspaper. Once you’ve put your paper and shavings on this surface, add another sheet of plain paper and a lightweight towel to protect the iron’s surface. Then press carefully, and presto! You’ll have either “stained glass” to frame for a window decoration or beautifully patterned paper.

(Remember: These are projects that require adult supervision and assistance; they’re not for children too young to understand “hot.”)

Top of page
How Can You Get Teenagers to Change?

If you’re the parent of teenagers or you’ve worked with them, you probably know that kids who need help often won’t ask for it. Or they won’t use the advice they’ve asked for. Or they don’t know what to do when the help you provide isn’t what they wanted or thought they needed.

You’re not alone, says Janet Sasson Edgette, a Philadelphia therapist and author of the recently published Adolescent Therapy That Really Works (W. W. Norton). She says it’s difficult to get kids to change “partly because of how uncomfortable teens can be with their own emotional needs.”

As Edgette points out, “Some teens believe that unless they are able to solve their problems on their own, it won’t count . . . “

Some adults want to help so much that they do things which aren’t at all helpful. “When the wish to help is too eager and made too apparent, it can become claustrophobic . . .” This is a particular issue when the adult and teenager don’t know each other well. “Shows of effort or concern that are disproportionate to the relationship appear all wrong to the teen and are rejected automatically. It’s nothing personal . . .”

This doesn’t mean that kids may not be looking for an opportunity to change.

“Many of the more challenging adolescents . . . would truly like things to be different in their lives . . .,” she says. “They want less conflict, less anger, less sadness, less confusion, and less alienation from their brothers and sisters and parents.”

Teenagers typically have at least two obstacles to changing their behavior, says Edgette:
- They haven’t yet discovered how to make the changes on their own; and
- If they do know how to make changes, they don’t know how to save face while doing so.
“They need an exit strategy that keeps intact their fragile sense of dignity and autonomy so that they can move away from their defunct ideology and toward something they may only be able to acknowledge privately as being more advantageous.”

Amanda Rumsey, until recently a middle school counselor in Apex, North Carolina, agrees. “As parents and educators, when we offer help, it needs to be in an empowering manner so that the child helps to come up with alternatives and owns the decision to change.”

She describes another common issue. “Children are not likely to tell us when they are feeling embarrassed or unsuccessful.”

Adolescents’ behavior problems often stem from interpersonal issues, says Edgette, who echoes Rumsey’s advice to be open and available. “Parents of distressed, and especially angry, teens often have trouble talking directly to their children about their concerns. They may fear another emotional outburst, sarcastic tirade, or bout of mutual alienation, and begin to lose confidence in their ability to parent effectively.”

“We all need to remember our children are not just little versions of ourselves,” says Rumsey. “They have the need to grow and develop their own identities and personalities.”

This point is reiterated by Bryn Mawr (Pennsylvania) College’s Harriet Heath, a parent educator and the author of Using Your Values to Raise Your Child to Be an Adult You Admire. Parents need to learn how to dialog with their children, she says: “This is conversation that explores issues. The purpose is not to persuade but to share ideas.”

Not, of course, that you may see a teenager immediately reverse course.

“Change becomes a sensitive subject for a teenager who has been rallying for weeks, even months, to do things his way. It’s especially sensitive for the adolescent who’s made a big deal about being right, or who has been particularly defiant . . .,” says Edgette. “The last thing this kid feels like doing is making obvious efforts to change. . . From the teenager’s point of view, it comes pretty darn close to saying, ‘Okay, you were right and I was wrong.’ ”

What should adults do when kids seem to be making a change?

Not much, recommend these counselors.

“If you see changes in a child’s behavior, don’t make a big deal about it,” says Edgette. “Many teenagers find it hard to comfortably accept public congratulations for the changes they end up making . . . If you cheer on a youngster who makes modifications begrudgingly, you’re likely to cause a massive undoing . . . He doesn’t want kudos for something he feels is your deal, not his.”

As long as kids stop destructive actions or risky behavior, don’t demand that they accept blame for the actions or acknowledge that what they did was foolish, Edgette says. Be satisfied that they’ve stopped.

More advice from Edgette, this time about mistakes that adults often make when dealing with teenagers:
- Overlooking inappropriate behavior. If you suspend our society’s customary codes of courtesy and conduct in an attempt “to appear flexible, cool or undaunted by edgy repartee” or to evoke a teenager’s interest and trust, you’re signaling that keeping the peace is more important than solving the problem.
- Avoiding candor. Be willing to acknowledge what both adult and teenager know to be true, but have avoided discussing. “Adolescents don’t want to be shielded from opinion or judgment; instead they seek safety from injunctions to change, from condescension, from adult gratuitousness. . .”
- Assuming that logic will transform kids’ beliefs and behavior. You may think you’ve made it clear how your teenager is messing up life, but it may not be so obvious to the adolescent.
  
  Kids’ decisions and choices often seem unsound to adults, but these decisions are based on their psychology and personal experience. If you don’t consider the child’s thinking style, history and beliefs about the world when you’re trying to understand his logic, you’re setting yourself up for unnecessary conflict, Edgette said. Heath encourages parents to determine what additional information kids need to make good decisions and find a way of providing this information experientially. For example, when a couple of teenage girls insisted they could safety travel home by bus late at night from a downtown concert, their concerned parents drove them to the area at midnight a few weeks before the concert so the girls could “preview” the location and how much scarier it was than during the day.
- Underestimating the value of consequences. “Compelling common sense” and mandates from parents are less effective in changing behavior than the threat of meaningful consequences.
Top of page
Can You Make Kids Bright? Should You?

Hothouse Kids: The Dilemma of the Gifted Child, by Alissa Quart (Penguin), tackles issues common in American homes and schools where kids are unusually bright or talented—or where parents want them to be.

The author, who claims to have been intellectually precocious herself, describes situations troubling to those who believe childhood is a time for exploration, not exploitation or excess:
- Adults who believe that giftedness can be “invented” with the right toys and prenatal dietary supplements;
- Kids pushed in the area of their aptitude, regardless of interest;
- Adults who define children in terms of the kids’ talents rather than their efforts; and
- Children denied extra help or encouragement of a special interest or talent because of cultural prejudice (the black child whose family that does not support a passion for chess, the girl discouraged from pursuing engineering by very traditional parents) or because parents don’t perceive career opportunities in that area of interest.
She also discusses how the federal No Child Left Behind legislation is reducing public school gifted programs and thus making them less available to lower- and middle-class children.

Quart cites research that suggests the “baby genius edutainment complex” responsible for the DVDs and computer games expected to raise children’s early IQs may not only be ineffective, but actually be preventing learning that occurs with hands-on activities. A parent’s finger or a set of keys may be as stimulating as a Baby Einstein program.

More important, however, for children’s long-term satisfaction are her conversations with adults who report that the continuing focus on them as gifted children and the emphasis on the obvious gift made adjustment to adult life difficult. “If they can’t maintain exceptional performance into adulthood, they may well end up feeling that they have little direction and perhaps their lives have little meaning.”

Top of page
Protecting Kids from Compulsive Abusers

Carla van Dam’s new book, The Socially Skilled Child Molester (The Haworth Press), may send chills up your spine. It’s hard to read about people who prey on kids.

This clinical and forensic psychologist offers valuable advice about how all of us—parents, professionals, kids—can better safeguard our communities from molesters. As she notes:
- Those who abuse children are far more likely to be well-established, “socially skilled” members of the community than grungy outsiders. It’s difficult to believe that “model citizens” are committing such horrific acts.
- Molesters are addicts, just like those addicted to drugs. They are driven to abuse.
- Parents who establish boundaries and who are assertive when other adults commit even minor improprieties are less likely to have children who are abused.
Who Abuses?

“Sex offender,” van Dam points out, is the label used for everyone whose sexual behavior is aggressive, illegal and/or inappropriate. It includes a young person involved in a consensual relationship with someone younger than the age of consent: for example, an 18-year-old dating a 15-year-old.

“Stranger danger” represents a very small percentage of child sexual assaults. These are typically highly impulsive abusers unknown to children or their families. These are the people we prepare our kids to resist—the people who attack children on the street or pluck them out of their homes.

Incest offenders are those who abuse family members. This label incorrectly implies that they would never harm anyone outside their family.

“Groomers” are the abusers discussed by van Dam. These people ingratiate themselves with adults so successfully that they are believed to be above reproach. Many select hobbies or professions that provide access to children: coaching, the ministry, child care, teaching, medicine. They also gravitate to adults who are too dependent to be assertive or too impressed by power, status or money.

Addicted to Abuse

The Socially Skilled Child Molester uses composites of convicted abusers to illustrate such common characteristics as lying and the addiction to abuse.

“Viewing their compulsive behavior . . . in the same manner as one would view heroin addicts . . . helps provide a framework to more accurately understand the behavior,” writes van Dam.

Acknowledging that someone is a “groomer” and stopping him (or her) is a significant challenge. First, says van Dam, molesters usually excel at “image management,” creating such reputations for themselves that allegations seem unbelievable.

Second, she contends that molesters focus on children whose responsible adults have “signaled an unwillingness to monitor boundary violations, thereby having communicated that subtle cues of misconduct will be overlooked, ignored or tolerated.” Molesters test with inappropriate behavior in front of adults before moving on to greater abuse.

Third, when there is an accusation, these socially skilled and often socially prominent individuals may take the offensive, threaten to sue for slander and accuse others of malice.

How to Protect Children

How can parents and other adults protect children from abuse?

Start by teaching them the difference between good touch and bad, says van Dam. Tell them to say “no” when abuse is attempted, and to report these attempts or any other bad touch. But, she emphasizes, this is only the beginning.

“Placing the onus of responsibility on children to protect themselves would appear especially ineffective.”

Parents and other caregivers must understand the dynamics of abuse, trust their instincts, be assertive, clearly set boundaries and be intolerant of improprieties. Abusers know that adults like this cannot be manipulated and that their children are more likely to tell.

“Accept that no friend is above suspicion,” writes van Dam, who encourages parents to monitor child-adult contact when the parent feels at all uncomfortable. Because abuse requires secrecy and isolation, “groomers” quickly disappear when they feel too closely supervised and are denied easy access to children.

If you are concerned that someone—an adult or older teenager—may be abusive, van Dam recommends that you be very attentive to deceitful behavior. Watch the suspected abuser for:
- Lies (including admitting small errors and creating distractions)
- Phony remorse
- Creating a relationship with you or your child
- Inconsistencies
- Rehearsed speech
- Too much information
- Going on the offensive
Van Dam points out that child molesters often lie about everything as a test. By discovering which adults accept their lies, they determine whose children to target.

By getting others to share personal information, molesters may make people feel closer to them, a bond that can be taken advantage of.

To distract people from their suspicions, molesters sometimes overwhelm questioners with irrelevant details.

Top of page

II. FEATURES

Tips for the month

Each Saturday, Parenting Press posts a new parenting tip and the previous week’s tip is moved to the archive. The topics planned for June are:

June 2 — Gifts Kids Can Make for Teachers
June 9 — Being an Effective Parent
June 16 — Make Expectations Clear
June 23 — The Kid Who Doesn’t Seem to Need Sleep
June 30 — Simple Ways to Play with a Very Young Baby

Top of page
Family Fun Ideas — Team Up to Create Dolls and Trivets

Want to introduce your kids to the sewing room and the workshop? Here are two easy projects to make with cast-offs. If your children are younger than 10, plan to explain the steps and then stick around to lend a helping hand. Older kids may be able to handle much of the projects themselves.

Stitch Orphan Socks into Dolls

Click on image
for a larger view

Everyone has socks without mates, or socks so hole-y your toes peek through! You can make the orphans into sock puppets—and give them cuddly sock dolls for pals! Puppets require nothing more than eyes and hair. Most dolls can be made without a sewing machine, too, so they’re appropriate projects for even kindergartners working with a little supervision.

For a simple doll, you’ll need two socks: one for the face and hands, another for the body. Using the cutting diagrams in Sock Doll Workshop: 30 Delightful Dolls to Create and Cherish, by Cindy Crandall-Frazier, the e-zine editor transformed tired sweat socks and outgrown knee-highs into two cuties. Worn spots on the socks you use for heads can be concealed with hair or hats. Making a stocking hat is as easy as—guess what—cutting off the cuff of a sock and seaming the cut side. For hair, wrap a ruler loosely with yarn and hand stitch along one edge, catching every loop of yarn with your thread. Then tack the hair to the head in a spiral, starting with the front hairline. For a doll that will be loved by small children, leave it faceless or add eyes, nose and mouth with markers or embroidery.

Turn Tiles into Trivets

The ceramic tiles left over from a kitchen or bathroom facelift belong on the workbench--being turned into trivets. Glue a square of felt on the bottom or add cork or felt cushions on each corner for the simplest trivet. If tiles are small or have rough edges, you’ll want to box them in with lightweight wood before adding the felt or cushioned “feet” at each corner.

Top of page
Community Service: Needles and Hooks

Our goal with this column is to suggest ways that you can model the concept of sharing and giving back to your community. There are other practical advantages to community service, too. Kids can use these projects to learn skills, to meet school or youth group requirements for community service and to start building resumes that they’ll use when applying for first jobs or college.

This summer, how about a project that families can pursue together—and that helps younger kids develop better small motor skills? Knitting and crocheting may sound like grandmothers’ hobbies, but they are fashionable again—and they are a great way to contribute to communities near and far.

The “News for Parents” editor makes simple sweaters that are packed into baby layettes for refugee camps around the world, and a quick Internet search will show you sponsors of similar projects, such as Afghans for Afghans (www.afghansforafghans.org).

The best projects start small, and a wonderful kickoff for your family would be mini-afghans for the cat kennel at your local animal shelter. As the Humane Society in the Parenting Press area explains, “Join our Cat Cuddles Project and help make the cats cozy in their cubbies while they wait for their purr-fect home!” Experts say the cats also like to knead the blankets with their paws to relieve the stress of being confined in an unfamiliar place.

What’s needed varies slightly from shelter to shelter: some use cloth “blankies” as well as crocheted and knit rectangles. The single common requirement: what you make must be washable. Telephone or e-mail your local shelter for more specifics before you start your project.

Here are suggested directions from the Seattle-area Humane Society:
- Use worsted weight, 100 per cent acrylic yarn, and size 13 needles. Cast on 33 stitches. Work with yarn double, work in stockinette stitch (knit every row) for 66 rows (33 ridges). When the blanket measures 14 x 16 inches, bind off. One skein makes two blankets.
- Another possibility for the first family project: each of you (that’s Dad and the boys, too) could knit or crochet one square or strip and then stitch them together.
- Don’t worry about perfection: remember, the cats won’t care about a dropped stitch!
Top of page
“Reader Rewards” Program Recognizes Reviewers

Tell us how you use your favorite Parenting Press publications and we’ll send you much more than a thank-you note. In fact, we’ll send you an entire book—your choice of anything Parenting Press publishes!

If you have a favorite Parenting Press publication you’d like to tell us about, please send us your comments and contact information. If we use your comment, you will receive a gift certificate redeemable on your choice of Parenting Press publication. Please note that all submissions become the property of Parenting Press for use in promotional literature and activities and that we reserve the right to identify you by name, title and city of residence/place of business. However, you will be contacted for written permission prior to the use of your submission. All “Reader Rewards” submissions should be received by Parenting Press prior to Dec. 31, 2007.

Top of page
Raise funds with a Parenting Press Book Fair

Would your school or group like a new fund-raiser?

For years Parenting Press has been offering its carefully written books on child guidance, problem-solving and dealing with feelings through preschool Book Fairs. Now our Book Fairs are being expanded to schools, churches, child-care programs, parenting groups—any organization that can use parenting and children’s books.

More information about our Book Fairs is posted online. We have posted a copy of the brochure, an explanation of how much you can earn with a Book Fair, a step-by-step guide to make Book Fairs easy and fun to organize and downloadable promotional materials.

Top of page

III. POTPOURRI

Special of the month—Play guest editor!

This special has expired.

Top of page
Does the newsletter work properly?

We would like this newsletter to be interactive—a place where we can ask for your opinion on what we are doing and what information people who live or work with children would like to see from Parenting Press. We would also like you to tell us what information and books you need and want.

We welcome your comments on the format and content on the feedback form. Thank you!

Top of page
How to receive (or send) a no-cost subscription to this e-zine.

We hope you have enjoyed PARENTING PRESS NEWS FOR PARENTS.

Subscribing: If you were referred to this newsletter by a friend or colleague, you can have it delivered by signing up for an e-mail subscription (there’s no cost). If you received the e-mail edition from Parenting Press, you are already subscribed.
If you enjoyed the newsletter, don’t hesitate to tell your friends. If they wish to continue receiving the newsletter, they will need to subscribe.

If you are a parent educator, feel free to tell your colleagues, students, or friends who might be interested.

Thank you!

Top of page
Reprinting e-zine articles in your newsletter.

If you publish a school, preschool, day care or parenting newsletter, you are welcome to reprint articles from this e-zine. Simply include our copyright notice with a phrase such as

Reprinted with permission from Parenting Press News for Parents, copyright © 2007. For a free subscription, see www.ParentingPress.com/signup.html.

And please mail a copy of your newsletter to Publicity Department, P.O. Box 75267, Seattle WA 98175-0267.

Top of page

	Parents	Parent Educators Counselors	Teachers	Media	Shopping Cart
	Home	Pre-Pub Club	Book Fairs	Gift Certificates	Catalog
Books by Topic New Books NEW! Feelings Child Guidance Problem Solving Development & Issues Temperament & Values Quick Help Kids’ Personal Safety Spanish Translations Other Resources Books by Author Books by Title Instant Help NEW! Qwik Books Qwik Sheets Special Services Book Fairs Pre-Pub Club Gift Certificates Our Catalog Parenting Resources Weekly Parenting Tips Downloadable Brochures Monthly E-Zine Parenting Quizzes Professional Resources PEP Talk Activity Plans Leader’s Guides About Parenting Press FAQs Mission and History What’s New NEW! Our Authors Manuscript Submissions Advisory Group Contact Us Subscribe to Newsletter	Parenting Press® News for Parents — June Dear Friends of Parenting Press, Welcome to the June issue of our electronic newsletter for parents. Our goal is to provide you with interesting and useful information in a format that’s quick and easy to read—and FREE. We welcome your comments, both about the newsletter content and its format. To get the newsletter delivered, you can sign up for an e-mail subscription. June 2007 IN THIS ISSUE WHAT’S NEW? Start Summer Projects with Scavenger Hunt How Can You Get Teenagers to Change? Can You Make Kids Bright? Should You? Protecting Kids from Compulsive Abusers FEATURES Tips for the month Family fun ideas—Team Up to Create Dolls and Trivets Community service—Needles and Hooks “Reader Rewards” Program Recognizes Reviewers Book Fair Materials Available Online POTPOURRI Special of the month—Menu Plans for Families Feedback: Does the newsletter work properly? How to receive your free subscription to this e-zine Reprinting articles in your newsletter I. WHAT’S NEW? Start Summer Projects with Scavenger Hunt Kick off summer vacation by combining housecleaning with a scavenger hunt. Start with a list of projects for the next few weeks; either make the list yourself or brainstorm with your kids. Then send them digging through closets, drawers, toybox, backpacks and even under the beds to find cast-offs that they can use for these projects. We’ve listed a few projects here. Two more are in “Family Fun.” The Blues of Jean-e-ology When you clean closets and drawers, you’ll probably turn up jeans that are too tattered to hand down—or so plain your kids don’t want to wear them. If that’s the problem, then Jeaneology, a new book by Nancy Flynn (Zest Books, zestbooks.net), may be the solution. It offers dozens of ideas for re-using or snazzing up jeans, including restyling them with flare inserts, adding sparkly or stenciled embellishments, or cutting the pants into skirts, shorts, handbags, jewelry, book jackets and potholders. Probably of most interest to middle-school girls, this book is long on inspiration and short on specifics: for example, there aren’t enough how-to’s on installing a zipper and too many projects are finished with bias tape, which is challenging to apply. Beginning seamstresses will be happiest with the results if they have help from an experienced sewer. The newsletter editor’s favorite: the “Cordon Blue” place mats made with strips of denim, which are a good project for even novices. Transform Tins Tiny candy tins, metal CD boxes and old cookie or fruitcake tins can be transformed with paint or decoupage. Cover the top of a mint tin with a map from a recent vacation and fill the box with photos of the trip, either as your own “album” or as a thank-you for someone you visited. Turn a flat tin into a mailer for a 3-D party invitation and decorate the larger boxes for treasure chests. (Or let your party guests do it as an activity.) You can trim “chests” with other odds and ends from your clean-up: stamps, ribbon, keys, buttons, game pieces and charms. Add a hinge, a clasp and a handle and your treasures can travel with you! April, August, October—All into Envelopes You couldn’t bear to throw out your 2006 calendars? Yes, we agree: the pictures were just too pretty. Share the scenes with a friend by trimming the calendar pages into envelopes for handmade cards. All you need is a standard-size envelope to take apart for a template. Box Lids Become Stencils What can you do with the vinyl lids from stationery boxes and other packages? Cut your own stencils, that’s what! Kids can draw a simple image on vinyl with a permanent marker, either freehand or traced from a coloring book. You or an older child can cut out certain parts and then it’s easy for almost anyone to transfer the image using sponges or brushes and paint. A very special design can be stenciled onto a T-shirt for the artist or an apron for a gift. (If you have a budding quilter, the vinyl works well for quilt templates, too.) Melted Crayon Art Any home with children is almost guaranteed to have bits and pieces of crayons. And, oh, what you can do with those colors! We recommend three projects, one for outdoors and another two for inside. If it’s hot or you have access to an outdoor fireplace, use the crayons to decorate rocks that have been heated. As kids draw on the hot rocks, the wax in the crayons will melt, giving you vibrant colors. Especially when you need a rainy day activity, get out the crayon bits and an electric warming tray. Cover the tray with aluminum foil, turn it to its lowest heat and then put a sheet of paper on the foil-covered surface. Just as with hot rocks, when kids draw on the warm paper, the crayons will melt just enough to provide vivid colors. A third project is an old favorite: grind up the crayons in an inexpensive plastic pencil sharpener and spread the shavings between two sheets of white or waxed paper. Set your iron on its lowest heat and protect your work surface with old towels and a couple of layers of newspaper. Once you’ve put your paper and shavings on this surface, add another sheet of plain paper and a lightweight towel to protect the iron’s surface. Then press carefully, and presto! You’ll have either “stained glass” to frame for a window decoration or beautifully patterned paper. (Remember: These are projects that require adult supervision and assistance; they’re not for children too young to understand “hot.”) Top of page How Can You Get Teenagers to Change? If you’re the parent of teenagers or you’ve worked with them, you probably know that kids who need help often won’t ask for it. Or they won’t use the advice they’ve asked for. Or they don’t know what to do when the help you provide isn’t what they wanted or thought they needed. You’re not alone, says Janet Sasson Edgette, a Philadelphia therapist and author of the recently published Adolescent Therapy That Really Works (W. W. Norton). She says it’s difficult to get kids to change “partly because of how uncomfortable teens can be with their own emotional needs.” As Edgette points out, “Some teens believe that unless they are able to solve their problems on their own, it won’t count . . . “ Some adults want to help so much that they do things which aren’t at all helpful. “When the wish to help is too eager and made too apparent, it can become claustrophobic . . .” This is a particular issue when the adult and teenager don’t know each other well. “Shows of effort or concern that are disproportionate to the relationship appear all wrong to the teen and are rejected automatically. It’s nothing personal . . .” This doesn’t mean that kids may not be looking for an opportunity to change. “Many of the more challenging adolescents . . . would truly like things to be different in their lives . . .,” she says. “They want less conflict, less anger, less sadness, less confusion, and less alienation from their brothers and sisters and parents.” Teenagers typically have at least two obstacles to changing their behavior, says Edgette: They haven’t yet discovered how to make the changes on their own; and If they do know how to make changes, they don’t know how to save face while doing so. “They need an exit strategy that keeps intact their fragile sense of dignity and autonomy so that they can move away from their defunct ideology and toward something they may only be able to acknowledge privately as being more advantageous.” Amanda Rumsey, until recently a middle school counselor in Apex, North Carolina, agrees. “As parents and educators, when we offer help, it needs to be in an empowering manner so that the child helps to come up with alternatives and owns the decision to change.” She describes another common issue. “Children are not likely to tell us when they are feeling embarrassed or unsuccessful.” Adolescents’ behavior problems often stem from interpersonal issues, says Edgette, who echoes Rumsey’s advice to be open and available. “Parents of distressed, and especially angry, teens often have trouble talking directly to their children about their concerns. They may fear another emotional outburst, sarcastic tirade, or bout of mutual alienation, and begin to lose confidence in their ability to parent effectively.” “We all need to remember our children are not just little versions of ourselves,” says Rumsey. “They have the need to grow and develop their own identities and personalities.” This point is reiterated by Bryn Mawr (Pennsylvania) College’s Harriet Heath, a parent educator and the author of Using Your Values to Raise Your Child to Be an Adult You Admire. Parents need to learn how to dialog with their children, she says: “This is conversation that explores issues. The purpose is not to persuade but to share ideas.” Not, of course, that you may see a teenager immediately reverse course. “Change becomes a sensitive subject for a teenager who has been rallying for weeks, even months, to do things his way. It’s especially sensitive for the adolescent who’s made a big deal about being right, or who has been particularly defiant . . .,” says Edgette. “The last thing this kid feels like doing is making obvious efforts to change. . . From the teenager’s point of view, it comes pretty darn close to saying, ‘Okay, you were right and I was wrong.’ ” What should adults do when kids seem to be making a change? Not much, recommend these counselors. “If you see changes in a child’s behavior, don’t make a big deal about it,” says Edgette. “Many teenagers find it hard to comfortably accept public congratulations for the changes they end up making . . . If you cheer on a youngster who makes modifications begrudgingly, you’re likely to cause a massive undoing . . . He doesn’t want kudos for something he feels is your deal, not his.” As long as kids stop destructive actions or risky behavior, don’t demand that they accept blame for the actions or acknowledge that what they did was foolish, Edgette says. Be satisfied that they’ve stopped. More advice from Edgette, this time about mistakes that adults often make when dealing with teenagers: Overlooking inappropriate behavior. If you suspend our society’s customary codes of courtesy and conduct in an attempt “to appear flexible, cool or undaunted by edgy repartee” or to evoke a teenager’s interest and trust, you’re signaling that keeping the peace is more important than solving the problem. Avoiding candor. Be willing to acknowledge what both adult and teenager know to be true, but have avoided discussing. “Adolescents don’t want to be shielded from opinion or judgment; instead they seek safety from injunctions to change, from condescension, from adult gratuitousness. . .” Assuming that logic will transform kids’ beliefs and behavior. You may think you’ve made it clear how your teenager is messing up life, but it may not be so obvious to the adolescent. Kids’ decisions and choices often seem unsound to adults, but these decisions are based on their psychology and personal experience. If you don’t consider the child’s thinking style, history and beliefs about the world when you’re trying to understand his logic, you’re setting yourself up for unnecessary conflict, Edgette said. Heath encourages parents to determine what additional information kids need to make good decisions and find a way of providing this information experientially. For example, when a couple of teenage girls insisted they could safety travel home by bus late at night from a downtown concert, their concerned parents drove them to the area at midnight a few weeks before the concert so the girls could “preview” the location and how much scarier it was than during the day. Underestimating the value of consequences. “Compelling common sense” and mandates from parents are less effective in changing behavior than the threat of meaningful consequences. Top of page Can You Make Kids Bright? Should You? Hothouse Kids: The Dilemma of the Gifted Child, by Alissa Quart (Penguin), tackles issues common in American homes and schools where kids are unusually bright or talented—or where parents want them to be. The author, who claims to have been intellectually precocious herself, describes situations troubling to those who believe childhood is a time for exploration, not exploitation or excess: Adults who believe that giftedness can be “invented” with the right toys and prenatal dietary supplements; Kids pushed in the area of their aptitude, regardless of interest; Adults who define children in terms of the kids’ talents rather than their efforts; and Children denied extra help or encouragement of a special interest or talent because of cultural prejudice (the black child whose family that does not support a passion for chess, the girl discouraged from pursuing engineering by very traditional parents) or because parents don’t perceive career opportunities in that area of interest. She also discusses how the federal No Child Left Behind legislation is reducing public school gifted programs and thus making them less available to lower- and middle-class children. Quart cites research that suggests the “baby genius edutainment complex” responsible for the DVDs and computer games expected to raise children’s early IQs may not only be ineffective, but actually be preventing learning that occurs with hands-on activities. A parent’s finger or a set of keys may be as stimulating as a Baby Einstein program. More important, however, for children’s long-term satisfaction are her conversations with adults who report that the continuing focus on them as gifted children and the emphasis on the obvious gift made adjustment to adult life difficult. “If they can’t maintain exceptional performance into adulthood, they may well end up feeling that they have little direction and perhaps their lives have little meaning.” Top of page Protecting Kids from Compulsive Abusers Carla van Dam’s new book, The Socially Skilled Child Molester (The Haworth Press), may send chills up your spine. It’s hard to read about people who prey on kids. This clinical and forensic psychologist offers valuable advice about how all of us—parents, professionals, kids—can better safeguard our communities from molesters. As she notes: Those who abuse children are far more likely to be well-established, “socially skilled” members of the community than grungy outsiders. It’s difficult to believe that “model citizens” are committing such horrific acts. Molesters are addicts, just like those addicted to drugs. They are driven to abuse. Parents who establish boundaries and who are assertive when other adults commit even minor improprieties are less likely to have children who are abused. Who Abuses? “Sex offender,” van Dam points out, is the label used for everyone whose sexual behavior is aggressive, illegal and/or inappropriate. It includes a young person involved in a consensual relationship with someone younger than the age of consent: for example, an 18-year-old dating a 15-year-old. “Stranger danger” represents a very small percentage of child sexual assaults. These are typically highly impulsive abusers unknown to children or their families. These are the people we prepare our kids to resist—the people who attack children on the street or pluck them out of their homes. Incest offenders are those who abuse family members. This label incorrectly implies that they would never harm anyone outside their family. “Groomers” are the abusers discussed by van Dam. These people ingratiate themselves with adults so successfully that they are believed to be above reproach. Many select hobbies or professions that provide access to children: coaching, the ministry, child care, teaching, medicine. They also gravitate to adults who are too dependent to be assertive or too impressed by power, status or money. Addicted to Abuse The Socially Skilled Child Molester uses composites of convicted abusers to illustrate such common characteristics as lying and the addiction to abuse. “Viewing their compulsive behavior . . . in the same manner as one would view heroin addicts . . . helps provide a framework to more accurately understand the behavior,” writes van Dam. Acknowledging that someone is a “groomer” and stopping him (or her) is a significant challenge. First, says van Dam, molesters usually excel at “image management,” creating such reputations for themselves that allegations seem unbelievable. Second, she contends that molesters focus on children whose responsible adults have “signaled an unwillingness to monitor boundary violations, thereby having communicated that subtle cues of misconduct will be overlooked, ignored or tolerated.” Molesters test with inappropriate behavior in front of adults before moving on to greater abuse. Third, when there is an accusation, these socially skilled and often socially prominent individuals may take the offensive, threaten to sue for slander and accuse others of malice. How to Protect Children How can parents and other adults protect children from abuse? Start by teaching them the difference between good touch and bad, says van Dam. Tell them to say “no” when abuse is attempted, and to report these attempts or any other bad touch. But, she emphasizes, this is only the beginning. “Placing the onus of responsibility on children to protect themselves would appear especially ineffective.” Parents and other caregivers must understand the dynamics of abuse, trust their instincts, be assertive, clearly set boundaries and be intolerant of improprieties. Abusers know that adults like this cannot be manipulated and that their children are more likely to tell. “Accept that no friend is above suspicion,” writes van Dam, who encourages parents to monitor child-adult contact when the parent feels at all uncomfortable. Because abuse requires secrecy and isolation, “groomers” quickly disappear when they feel too closely supervised and are denied easy access to children. If you are concerned that someone—an adult or older teenager—may be abusive, van Dam recommends that you be very attentive to deceitful behavior. Watch the suspected abuser for: Lies (including admitting small errors and creating distractions) Phony remorse Creating a relationship with you or your child Inconsistencies Rehearsed speech Too much information Going on the offensive Van Dam points out that child molesters often lie about everything as a test. By discovering which adults accept their lies, they determine whose children to target. By getting others to share personal information, molesters may make people feel closer to them, a bond that can be taken advantage of. To distract people from their suspicions, molesters sometimes overwhelm questioners with irrelevant details. Top of page II. FEATURES Tips for the month Each Saturday, Parenting Press posts a new parenting tip and the previous week’s tip is moved to the archive. The topics planned for June are: June 2 — Gifts Kids Can Make for Teachers June 9 — Being an Effective Parent June 16 — Make Expectations Clear June 23 — The Kid Who Doesn’t Seem to Need Sleep June 30 — Simple Ways to Play with a Very Young Baby Top of page Family Fun Ideas — Team Up to Create Dolls and Trivets Want to introduce your kids to the sewing room and the workshop? Here are two easy projects to make with cast-offs. If your children are younger than 10, plan to explain the steps and then stick around to lend a helping hand. Older kids may be able to handle much of the projects themselves. Stitch Orphan Socks into Dolls Click on image for a larger view Everyone has socks without mates, or socks so hole-y your toes peek through! You can make the orphans into sock puppets—and give them cuddly sock dolls for pals! Puppets require nothing more than eyes and hair. Most dolls can be made without a sewing machine, too, so they’re appropriate projects for even kindergartners working with a little supervision. For a simple doll, you’ll need two socks: one for the face and hands, another for the body. Using the cutting diagrams in Sock Doll Workshop: 30 Delightful Dolls to Create and Cherish, by Cindy Crandall-Frazier, the e-zine editor transformed tired sweat socks and outgrown knee-highs into two cuties. Worn spots on the socks you use for heads can be concealed with hair or hats. Making a stocking hat is as easy as—guess what—cutting off the cuff of a sock and seaming the cut side. For hair, wrap a ruler loosely with yarn and hand stitch along one edge, catching every loop of yarn with your thread. Then tack the hair to the head in a spiral, starting with the front hairline. For a doll that will be loved by small children, leave it faceless or add eyes, nose and mouth with markers or embroidery. Turn Tiles into Trivets The ceramic tiles left over from a kitchen or bathroom facelift belong on the workbench--being turned into trivets. Glue a square of felt on the bottom or add cork or felt cushions on each corner for the simplest trivet. If tiles are small or have rough edges, you’ll want to box them in with lightweight wood before adding the felt or cushioned “feet” at each corner. Top of page Community Service: Needles and Hooks Our goal with this column is to suggest ways that you can model the concept of sharing and giving back to your community. There are other practical advantages to community service, too. Kids can use these projects to learn skills, to meet school or youth group requirements for community service and to start building resumes that they’ll use when applying for first jobs or college. This summer, how about a project that families can pursue together—and that helps younger kids develop better small motor skills? Knitting and crocheting may sound like grandmothers’ hobbies, but they are fashionable again—and they are a great way to contribute to communities near and far. The “News for Parents” editor makes simple sweaters that are packed into baby layettes for refugee camps around the world, and a quick Internet search will show you sponsors of similar projects, such as Afghans for Afghans (www.afghansforafghans.org). The best projects start small, and a wonderful kickoff for your family would be mini-afghans for the cat kennel at your local animal shelter. As the Humane Society in the Parenting Press area explains, “Join our Cat Cuddles Project and help make the cats cozy in their cubbies while they wait for their purr-fect home!” Experts say the cats also like to knead the blankets with their paws to relieve the stress of being confined in an unfamiliar place. What’s needed varies slightly from shelter to shelter: some use cloth “blankies” as well as crocheted and knit rectangles. The single common requirement: what you make must be washable. Telephone or e-mail your local shelter for more specifics before you start your project. Here are suggested directions from the Seattle-area Humane Society: Use worsted weight, 100 per cent acrylic yarn, and size 13 needles. Cast on 33 stitches. Work with yarn double, work in stockinette stitch (knit every row) for 66 rows (33 ridges). When the blanket measures 14 x 16 inches, bind off. One skein makes two blankets. Another possibility for the first family project: each of you (that’s Dad and the boys, too) could knit or crochet one square or strip and then stitch them together. Don’t worry about perfection: remember, the cats won’t care about a dropped stitch! Top of page “Reader Rewards” Program Recognizes Reviewers Tell us how you use your favorite Parenting Press publications and we’ll send you much more than a thank-you note. In fact, we’ll send you an entire book—your choice of anything Parenting Press publishes! If you have a favorite Parenting Press publication you’d like to tell us about, please send us your comments and contact information. If we use your comment, you will receive a gift certificate redeemable on your choice of Parenting Press publication. Please note that all submissions become the property of Parenting Press for use in promotional literature and activities and that we reserve the right to identify you by name, title and city of residence/place of business. However, you will be contacted for written permission prior to the use of your submission. All “Reader Rewards” submissions should be received by Parenting Press prior to Dec. 31, 2007. Top of page Raise funds with a Parenting Press Book Fair Would your school or group like a new fund-raiser? For years Parenting Press has been offering its carefully written books on child guidance, problem-solving and dealing with feelings through preschool Book Fairs. Now our Book Fairs are being expanded to schools, churches, child-care programs, parenting groups—any organization that can use parenting and children’s books. More information about our Book Fairs is posted online. We have posted a copy of the brochure, an explanation of how much you can earn with a Book Fair, a step-by-step guide to make Book Fairs easy and fun to organize and downloadable promotional materials. Top of page III. POTPOURRI Special of the month—Play guest editor! This special has expired. Top of page Does the newsletter work properly? We would like this newsletter to be interactive—a place where we can ask for your opinion on what we are doing and what information people who live or work with children would like to see from Parenting Press. We would also like you to tell us what information and books you need and want. We welcome your comments on the format and content on the feedback form. Thank you! Top of page How to receive (or send) a no-cost subscription to this e-zine. We hope you have enjoyed PARENTING PRESS NEWS FOR PARENTS. Subscribing: If you were referred to this newsletter by a friend or colleague, you can have it delivered by signing up for an e-mail subscription (there’s no cost). If you received the e-mail edition from Parenting Press, you are already subscribed. If you enjoyed the newsletter, don’t hesitate to tell your friends. If they wish to continue receiving the newsletter, they will need to subscribe. If you are a parent educator, feel free to tell your colleagues, students, or friends who might be interested. Thank you! Top of page Reprinting e-zine articles in your newsletter. If you publish a school, preschool, day care or parenting newsletter, you are welcome to reprint articles from this e-zine. Simply include our copyright notice with a phrase such as Reprinted with permission from Parenting Press News for Parents, copyright © 2007. For a free subscription, see www.ParentingPress.com/signup.html. And please mail a copy of your newsletter to Publicity Department, P.O. Box 75267, Seattle WA 98175-0267. Top of page E-mail this page to a friend Visit our web site Browse our CATALOG on-line or order a copy.
Home · Special Services · Parenting Resources · Professional Resources · Subscribe to Newsletter · Contact Us