Counselors
Cart
Parenting Press®News for Parents — February
Dear Friends of Parenting Press,
Welcome to the February issue of our electronic newsletter for parents. Our goal is to provide you with interesting and useful information in a format that’s quick and easy to read—and FREE. We welcome your comments, both about the newsletter content and its format. To get the newsletter delivered, you can sign up for an e-mail subscription.
February 2008
IN THIS ISSUE
- WHAT’S NEW?
- FEATURES
- POTPOURRI
- COMING ATTRACTIONS
- Monsters in the Woods: Backpacking with Children
- Create a Personalized A-B-C Activity Book
- Spuds to Share
I. WHAT’S NEW?
-
How Fathers and Sons Influence Each Other
Talk about fatherhood usually focuses on the concrete, writes psychoanalyst Michael J. Diamond in My Father Before Me: How Fathers and Sons Influence Each Other Throughout Their Lives (W.W. Norton & Co., 2007). In other words, the diapers changed, games coached, custody battles waged. We recognize the importance of the father-child bond, and that fathers have, as Diamond says, a “unique and essential role . . . in raising children.”
Unanswered, however, are such questions as how becoming a father changes a man and changes his relationships with his partner and his own father. Another important issue for Diamond: how children, especially sons, influence their fathers.
If you have young children or you work with them, you may be especially interested in how men develop emotionally, psychologically, morally and even physically through active fathering. Building a relationship with a child requires that adults rediscover childlike qualities—the sense of play, wonder and curiosity, excitement and adventure. Men also often become more demonstrative, learning they can express their feelings physically in ways that are not sexual or competitive
We at “News for Parents” appreciated Diamond’s comments regarding the tasks that a father most often assumes, with the first being to help a child differentiate from the mother. As men continue to care for their sons, boys recognize that affection and caretaking are not exclusively feminine qualities.
He also describes how boys—as early as kindergarten—compete with their fathers. The caring father must control his anger over this rivalry and his own desire to dominate so that he can set appropriate boundaries for the child, and help the child develop the capacity to accept and tolerate aggression, conflict and ambivalence.
A worthwhile read for the information on boys’ early development alone, this book also helps us understand why parent-child conflict is natural through adolescence and why it can continue throughout life.
-
Advocate at School for Your Child
How can parents effectively advocate for children? Whether kids are typical, normally developing students or those who have special needs, either permanent or short-term, they occasionally need a little help navigating the preschool or school system.
Here’s what parent educators and other professionals recommend so that parents are less likely to be labeled as “nags” or “obsessed” when addressing issues such as curriculum, evaluations and grades, and special accommodations. These suggestions do not necessarily apply in emergencies or crises (a child has been physically attacked by a classmate, for example, or seriously injured by classroom or playground equipment).
Expect opportunities for parent input. “It is simple enough [for teachers] to structure real opportunities for parent input, providing appropriate times and places where parents will have a chance to ask questions, share important information about their child, and express any concerns,” says Linda McKinlay, who teaches early childhood education at Okanagan College in Kelowna, B.C.
If faculty and administrators do not make themselves readily available, join or create a parent support group, possibly as a subset of your parent-teacher organization. “You can often make a greater impact if you approach a school district in large numbers,” points out a New Jersey parent of an LD/ADHD child.
Consider setting and schedule when expressing a concern. A parent should make an appointment with the teacher so that the teacher can select a place and time when she can focus on the parent’s concern, rather than on kids coming and going.
Understand the school or classroom emphasis, either stated or implicit. If necessary, parents should document an emphasis that they believe is inappropriate or is affecting their child adversely. As the New Jersey parent frustrated with the effect of No Child Left Behind legislation told a high school special services supervisor, “The prevailing atmosphere at this high school is extremely competitive, one where achieving high grades is given the highest priority.”
Raise concerns in a nonadversarial manner. “Ask a question such as, ‘What is your experience with children who . . . ‘” suggests Helen F. Neville, a California parent educator and pediatric nurse who just published Is This a Phase? Child Development & Parent Strategies, Birth to 6 Years. Or, says Neville, share an observation as a means of communicating your concern to the teacher. “My child often has difficulty with [issue] at home. Is this also difficult for my child at school?”
Recognize that ignorance causes most issues. The discrimination your family must deal with is not intentional, believes the parent of a college-bound LD student. “But don’t expect a school counselor to understand the issues your child faces in the college application process—and that for kids like this, the process needs to start early, in ninth grade.”
Suggest changes that have been effective. A parent can describe what works at home for certain situations. As Neville continues, “Say, ‘These are some things I do at home that help,’ and mention actions that could realistically be taken in the classroom or by the teacher.” A parent could also describe what the same or a similar school has done for this child or a sibling.
Be assertive. Myles Cooley, a psychologist in West Palm Beach, Fla., suggests that parents who must deal with educators who pressure kids could substantiate the effects of the pressure with a comment like this to the principal: “I understand how important these test scores are to you and your school. But I need to tell you that’s all my son talks about. He worries about what will happen if he doesn’t do as well as his teacher says he must. He’s afraid and turned off by school. The long-term consequences of this test pressure are not healthy. There must be a way your teachers can prepare students without creating such anxiety.”
-
How Parents Can Model Advocacy
Although many school faculty and administrators and other authority figures are genuinely concerned about our children and will intervene to help them, parents need to teach kids to handle situations with unresponsive adults, points out Sandi Dexter. Author of Joyful Play with Toddlers and a Seattle preschool teacher for almost 25 years, Dexter reminds us the problems some of us experienced as children still exist:
“When my very small, very cute daughter was a fourth grader, she experienced what we would now call harassment. Kids insisted on picking her up and squeezing her, so she felt as though she was being treated as a doll. Not afraid of talking to adults, she went to the principal, described the problem, explained that she had asked the other children to stop this behavior and that they had not.
“His response? ‘They’re doing it because they like you.’
“Incensed at the principal’s response, I telephoned him and said that we expected the staff at the school to respect children’s right to be heard and listened to.
“What was I told? That I was making ‘too much’ of the issue.
“‘Down the road from now, when my daughter tells someone ‘no,’ do you believe that it’ll still be OK for that person to continue what he’s doing because he likes her?’ I demanded of the principal. ‘Then it’ll be called rape.’
“The principal said that I was overreacting, that it was a real stretch to assume that kids who wouldn’t respect a request to stop unwanted behavior as fourth graders might be similarly disrespectful as teenagers or adults.
“Unfortunately, times haven’t changed. Just recently a parent told me that her child was being harrassed by another child, both on the elementary-school playground and in the classroom, and the school faculty had assured her the problem was being ‘handled.’
However, the harassment didn’t stop, so the mother contacted the school principal. What was she told? That the administration did not interfere with the way teachers handled discipline. Unable to make the principal aware there was a problem—on the playground and with the administration response—the family removed the child from the school.
“Is there a solution? First, I think we as parents have to teach children not to be afraid of teachers, principals, coaches and other authority figures. Second, we need to talk through lots of ‘what if’ stories with our children, so that they know what is unacceptable. Third, we should teach kids to speak up when something is wrong or uncomfortable—and to keep talking about the situation until someone takes action. We can talk about this and, even better, we can model it. Our children should see us taking action when we or they—or other children— are being treated in an unsafe, uncomfortable or cruel way.”
-
Left Brain, Right Brain Revisited
How do you think? That’s one of the questions Susie Leonard Weller asks you to answer. And when you have identified your brain style, you’ll know more about what kind of people make you comfortable, what kind drive you crazy—and what that all has to do with how you parent.
As Weller, author of Solving the Parenting Puzzle, explains, research done starting in the 1960s shows that there is a biological basis for how our brains work—how we think.
“Each of our two brain hemispheres is divided by natural fissures so that we have four major divisions of cerebral tissue. Many experts now believe we have four brain, or thinking, styles: Logical and its opposite, Relational; and Practical and its opposite, Creative. Being left brain dominant means you more often use the Logical or Practical thinking styles; if you are right brain dominant, you are more likely Relational or Creative,” says Weller, who continues, “In addition, we use an intellectual—or an instinctual—approach to decision-making. Logical and Creative emphasize intellect, Practical and Relational instinct. Although men more often demonstrate the Logical thinking style and women the Relational, you will see each of these thinking styles dominating in both men and women.”
Sexual orientation does not indicate brain pattern, Weller reminds.
“People with opposite styles are often attracted to each other because we sense that in a relationship of any kind—marriage, friendship, professional—we need a balanced perspective. For example, think of how often we see a very creative person with an organized, reliable partner who ensures that bills get paid, appointments get kept and there’s always gas in the car and food in the fridge. However, if we are unaware of how we each think, getting to that balance can be filled with conflict.
“Dealing with opposing brain styles can be a partner issue: how you learn to parent together. It can also be a parent-child issue: how you as the parent determine when to surrender—or when to assert—your needs, desires and preferred thinking style when confronted with a child’s contrasting needs, wants or approach,” explains Weller.
Brain research shows other biological reasons for how we relate to others. Women’s brains, in general, make it easier for women to communicate between both sides of the brain. This means they multi-task more easily, while men are better able to focus on one task at a time and compartmentalize parts of their lives.
“What does this mean for our parenting?” asks Weller. “That mothers are often distracted trying to complete chores and may forget to take time to have fun with their children. It also means that men may be so focused on a project that they are unaware of what children are doing—even in the same room.”
When you share a dominant thinking style, you may click—or butt heads. When both parent and child are Logical, disagreements can escalate into heated debates. Each one wants to prove why he or she is right. If you have two logical kids, you may feel as if you’re living through a battle of know-it-alls. By contrast, when family members share the Relational thinking style, everyone may be very emotional about almost everything.
When you understand children’s thinking styles, you are better prepared to communicate with them and motivate them. In other words, they hear what you’re saying. Suppose you’re anxious for a little boy to be toilet-trained so that he can attend preschool. If the logical thinking style is dominant in your brain, you’re tempted to go straight to the bottom line: “You can’t start preschool until you’re out of diapers.” A better approach with a Creative thinker might be, “Let’s drop a Cherrio in the toilet and see if you can hit it.” With a child who wants to bake on her own, the Logical parent might say, “Help me measure the ingredients.” With a Practical child, a better solution might be, “Let’s get out the recipe for what you want to make and see if we have all the ingredients.”
-
Communicating across Thinking Styles
How can parents better deal with partners, children and other adults? Here are some suggestions from Susie Leonard Weller which can be used at home and at such events as parent conferences.
To communicate, both in person and in writing, with a predominantly Logical thinker:
- Get to the point quickly
- Substantiate your opinions with facts; document your research
- Be precise and accurate
- Demonstrate your expertise
- Ask challenging questions
- Make efficient use of everyone’s time
- Avoid perjoratives such as “number cruncher,” “power-hungry” and “heartless”
With a predominantly Practical thinker:
- Discuss one topic at a time; stay on track
- Explain sequentially
- Provide clear and detailed explanations and instructions
- Show the immediate application of your information
- Reduce the risks for the person you’re working with
- Avoid confrontations
- Avoid perjoratives such as “stick-in-the-mud,” “slave driver,” and “picky”
With a predominantly Creative thinker:
- Start with an overview
- Use metaphors and visuals as you explain
- Make your descriptions fun or a surprise
- Offer the freedom to explore new ideas
- Allow time for daydreaming
- Brainstorm
- Avoid perjoratives such as “irresponsible,” “off the wall,” and “idealist”
With predominantly Relational thinkers:
- Use informal, friendly language
- Express empathy
- Watch for subtle changes in nonverbal communications
- Allow time for everyone to discuss your idea
- Respect personal experiences as they are shared
- Include anecdotes about real people
- Avoid perjoratives such as “bleeding heart,” “Pollyanna,” “naive,” and “spineless”
II. FEATURES
-
Tips for the month
Each Saturday, Parenting Press posts a new parenting tip and the previous week’s tip is moved to the archive. The topics planned for February are:
February 2 — How Imagination Develops in Young Children
February 9 — How to Encourage a Young Child’s Imagination
February 16 — Parenting a Controlling Child
February 23 — Switching from Discouragement to Encouragement
-
Family Fun Ideas — Valentine Cut-ups and Cut-outs
If months have colors, February’s is pink! Pink hearts, pink lace, pink frosting. . .oh, and a lot of red and white, too. Your family can celebrate Valentine’s Day all month long by decorating the house with paper garlands of hearts, composing Valentine puns (“I’m fishing for your heart” or “Bee my Valentine”), and frosting sugar cookies for friends and neighbors.
It’s also fun to make personalized Valentine cards for your favorite people. Here are samples you can use to inspire your own greetings. One uses a photo (an individual or a group) that you cut into sections for a “lift the flap” card with hidden messages or tiny envelopes with gifts (a theater ticket or ice cream shop gift certificate). You could also write in promises (“One car wash” or “Exchange for a half hour later bedtime”). A variation: “doors” that open to reveal pictures. If these are snapshots your Valentine will want to keep, mount them with photo corners so they can easily be removed from the card.
-
Community Service — Heart-felt Greetings
Our usual goal with this column is to suggest ways that you can model the concept of sharing and giving back to your community. There are other practical advantages to community service, too. Kids can use these projects to meet school or youth group requirements for community service and to start building resumes that they’ll use when applying for first jobs or college.
This month, make a few extra Valentines and make sure they get to people who may not often receive such cards. Your local Meals on Wheels program will probably be delighted to deliver cards the first half of the month, and veterans’ homes welcome cards the staff can distribute to residents. Nearby nursing homes and adult day care programs will also appreciate your thinking of the people they care for. For contact information, check your telephone directory, or call your city or county “senior services” agency and United Way office.
-
Raise funds with a Parenting Press Book Fair
Would your school or group like a new fund-raiser?
For years Parenting Press has been offering its carefully written books on child guidance, problem-solving and dealing with feelings through preschool Book Fairs. Now our Book Fairs are being expanded to schools, churches, child-care programs, parenting groups—any organization that can use parenting and children’s books.
More information about our Book Fairs is posted online. We have posted a copy of the brochure, an explanation of how much you can earn with a Book Fair, a step-by-step guide to make Book Fairs easy and fun to organize and downloadable promotional materials.
III. POTPOURRI
-
Special of the month—High Five!
This special has expired.
-
Does the newsletter work properly?
We would like this newsletter to be interactive—a place where we can ask for your opinion on what we are doing and what information people who live or work with children would like to see from Parenting Press. We would also like you to tell us what information and books you need and want.
We welcome your comments on the format and content on the feedback form. Thank you!
-
How to receive (or send) a no-cost subscription to this e-zine.
We hope you have enjoyed PARENTING PRESS NEWS FOR PARENTS.
Subscribing: If you were referred to this newsletter by a friend or colleague, you can have it delivered by signing up for an e-mail subscription (there’s no cost). If you received the e-mail edition from Parenting Press, you are already subscribed.
If you enjoyed the newsletter, don’t hesitate to tell your friends. If they wish to continue receiving the newsletter, they will need to subscribe.
If you are a parent educator, feel free to tell your colleagues, students, or friends who might be interested.
Thank you!
-
Reprinting e-zine articles in your newsletter.
If you publish a school, preschool, day care or parenting newsletter, you are welcome to reprint articles from this e-zine. Simply include our copyright notice with a phrase such as
Reprinted with permission from Parenting Press News for Parents, copyright © 2008. For a free subscription, see www.ParentingPress.com/signup.html.And please mail a copy of your newsletter to Publicity Department, P.O. Box 75267, Seattle WA 98175-0267.
Home · Special Services · Parenting Resources · Professional Resources · Subscribe to Newsletter · Contact Us