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Parenting Press®News for Parents — April
Dear Friends of Parenting Press,
Welcome to the April issue of our electronic newsletter for parents. Our goal is to provide you with interesting and useful information in a format that’s quick and easy to read—and FREE. We welcome your comments, both about the newsletter content and its format. To get the newsletter delivered, you can sign up for an e-mail subscription.
April 2008
IN THIS ISSUE
- WHAT’S NEW?
- FEATURES
- POTPOURRI
- COMING ATTRACTIONS
- See You Later, Procrastinator
- Combine Kids’ Carnival with Yard Sale
I. WHAT’S NEW?
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Encouraging Cross-Generation Conversation
How often do you or your children talk to older neighbors? Wonder what you could do to ensure your children respect those who are much older? Here’s a recipe for cross-generation conversation: several homes, several age groups—and several desserts.
Suggested by a program called “Respect Among the Ages,” this event is so simple to organize that your teenagers could do it. Designed to bring people of different generations together, it can be done by assigning different members of each family on your street or in your circle of friends to a different home for an hour or two of dessert and talk. This also gives each member of a family a chance to talk freely, without a parent, spouse or sibling to hear what’s being said.
Step 1: Determine how many will be involved, and how you’ll divide them. If you’re involving 40 adults and kids older than 6, you’ll want four or five hosts, to keep each conversation group to eight or 10 members. Making assignments might be as easy as giving each family member a different number between one and four (or five, if that’s how many hosts you have). Keep track of who is assigned to which host, to ensure the groups are balanced by age, gender and size. So perhaps Mom goes to Host 1 with the baby, and Dad goes to Host 2 with the toddler, and the second grader goes to Host 3. At the neighboring house, the elderly husband might be assigned Host 1 and his wife Host 3.
Step 2: Each host is responsible for starting the conversation. Depending on the group, topics can be lightweight (“What are you looking forward to this summer?”) or more serious (“What concerns you about our local schools?”) Each member might be asked to briefly describe a first job or, if you have long-time residents, what the neighborhood looked like 20, 30 or even 50 years ago. Concerned about someone dominating the discussion? Then use a timer to keep comments brief and everyone involved.
Besides being a pleasant way to get to know all of your neighbors better, this would also be an excellent way to kick off a Block Watch campaign or introduce new residents to the neighborhood. Especially if there are security issues, your group might also establish a blog where neighbors can post alerts.
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Why Women Quit Work
Why do high-achieving women walk away from their careers to take on motherhood? Do they truly believe that being with their kids full-time is the most rewarding job in the world?
Sociologist Pamela Stone, skeptical of assertions that these are “new traditionalists,” interviewed 54 women aged 33 to 56, with children between three months old and 16. More than half had completed grad school, most in business or law. Typically, they had quit work at age 36—despite being those best able to combine motherhood and work. They could afford good child care, had positions of relative autonomy, and had partners who theoretically could provide assistance. In addition, most had never expected to not work. She describes what she found in Opting Out? Why Women Really Quit Careers and Head Home, recently published by the University of California Press.
So what happened? Stone cites the usual reasons: the strong desire to be on hand for childhood milestones and a corporate world that still stigmatizes those who seek “family friendlier” jobs. Her interviews reveal another cause: that motherhood and high-level management are sometimes incompatible because of never-ending responsibility both at home and office.
“We worked like dogs,” one mother reported about her powerful pre-Mom position: the long hours, extensive travel, and 24/7 demands typical of current executive positions. And what had she and others discovered about motherhood today? It’s now far more demanding, too: “a hectic pace of organized activities . . . , a strong sense of parental obligation, and a child-centered life . . .”
Because most women had delayed child-bearing, they sometimes also found themselves caring for aging parents. Moreover, they accepted a traditional role in marriage: whether or not they worked, they managed the household and children and allowed their similarly educated husbands to focus fully on their careers. In short, these women often had two or three “jobs” in addition to their corporate responsibilities: handling parents’ issues, managing their households and children’s needs (including household help, home repair, child care, school issues and after-school programs), and the family social life.
This excellent reminder of the pressures on many mothers offers no real solutions, but it should help us understand why some mothers—even those with less demanding careers—are so intense and sometimes seem at the verge of burn-out.
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Supporting Families of the Deployed
Today there are 1.2 million active military members, almost three quarters of a million spouses, and more than 1.2 million children, 40 percent of whom are 5 or younger. Thousands of parents, including a significant number of mothers, are serving overseas in areas of great risk.
For some of these families, deployment is part of the cycle of life; for members of the reserves or National Guard, whose civilian life has been interrupted because of the current Mideast crisis, it’s a dramatic change from the ordinary.
Some families of deployed troops live on or near active military installations where many services are available and everyone is sensitive to the stress caused by a deployment. Other families live in civilian communities, among people with no military ties. Children may attend school with teachers unaware of the deployment and of its possible impact.
Because of a recent conference on supporting military families in the region where “News for Parents” is created, we had the opportunity to gather information that is valuable for relatives, friends, youth group leaders, teachers and those who work with families with a deployed member.
What may happen at home when a reserve or National Guard member is called up or an active military member receives orders for a deployment? In addition to worry about safety, there may be such issues as:
The high stress of a forthcoming separation causing conflict, and then family members being upset that they’re arguing during the little remaining time they have together
Decreased income due to the loss of civilian wages when a reserve or National Guard member is called up
Preparing for a move, which might mean job, school and child care changes, and saying goodby to friends
Moving in with grandparents or other extended family, which could mean less space and privacy
Someone coming to help care for the children while one or both parents are deployed
How can you prepare kids for a parent’s deployment? Here are some suggestions from school counselors:
Before a parent departs, make sure that toddler and older children have three often-unspoken questions answered:
Will my parents be safe?
Will I be safe?
Who will take care of me?Describe what the deployed parent will be doing, with detail appropriate to the child’s age. (One school counselor told of a child who was convinced his father was in constant danger because no one had explained exactly what army cooks did and where they worked.)
Discuss how the family members will communicate with the deployed parent, and make children aware that the absent parent may not always be able to call, e-mail or write on the expected schedule.
Decide which pleasant family activities will be continued during the deployment. (Recognize that kids may not want to continue an activity that is a painful reminder of the parent not present to share the fun.)
Talk to kids about what they’re likely to feel when family life is disrupted. Tell them that it’s acceptable—and normal—that each family member be sad or lonely or anxious at different times. Discuss healthy ways to express their feelings.
The adults that your child interacts with should be told of the deployment. For example, one or both parents should contact teachers, child care providers, and coaches when the deployment occurs, whenever a change is made (a move, or a new sports season), and at the beginning of the school year.
Reactions to the deployment will differ depending on age. Parents need to be aware that a preschooler often assumes her bad behavior is what causes a parent to be sent away. The 5- to 12-year-old may feel guilty that he is not doing enough, and may fear being disciplined by the returned parent. Teenagers may also feel guilt; they may believe they are not living up to a parent’s standards. They may resent their extra responsibilities, be concerned about rules being redefined when the military parent returns or be angry about missing so much time with that parent.
If you’re married to someone who is deployed, or you work with military couples, experts recommend that you focus on:
Stability (create predictability and avoid changes)
Support (there are many sources on bases)
Self-care (maintain friendships and keep yourself emotionally healthy so that you can care for your children)
The deployed spouse should be judicial when communicating with family at home, remembering to limit what is said about dangerous upcoming missions or what he or she has recently seen or experienced. The deployed spouse can reduce anxiety in minor ways, too—for example, by remembering time differences when phoning.
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Phone Calls from College Recruiters
If you’re one of the readers who has a high school student, your child may be taking pre-colleges tests such as the SAT or ACT or, in the fall, the PSAT. Those enrolled in Advanced Placement courses often take the May AP exams, which like the SAT and PSAT are sponsored by the College Board.
It’s important that you and your child recognize that the personal information your child provides on test registration material is sold to college admissions offices. They use it to recruit prospective students with mail, e-mail and telephone calls. Much of this material is helpful as kids research colleges, of course, but if you find unsolicited telephone calls and e-mail inconvenient, ask your child to provide only a postal mail address on the test booklets or registration forms.
The calls from admissions officers are different than the calls an athlete might receive from a college coach. Kids interested in college sports should register with the National Collegiate Athletic Association Clearinghouse, which makes student resumes, both academic and athletic available, to athletic departments. However, NCAA regulations outline when and how coaches can contact high school athletes. Contact is very limited—and in some sports, prohibited—until kids are seniors.
II. FEATURES
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Tips for the month
Each Saturday, Parenting Press posts a new parenting tip and the previous week’s tip is moved to the archive. The topics planned for April are:
April 5 — The Younger Kid Who Won’t Eat Breakfast
April 12 — The Older Kid Who Won’t Eat Breakfast
April 19 — Why Do Young Babies Cry?
April 26 — Is the Behavior Serious or Merely Annoying?
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Family Fun Ideas — Festivals!
It’s spring! (Finally, some of you may be thinking.) To get us out and about, at least for part of the day, this is the season when many communities celebrate with festivals and parades, and when seasonal farmers’ markets open. For a few hours of fun that’s close to home, check your newspaper or tourist bureau’s web site to see what’s scheduled in your area.
Take a blanket or stool along so you can line the curb along the parade route or, especially if your children have a limited attention span, locate the parade staging area and let them look at the floats, bands, clowns and costumed characters as they wait for the parade to start. (This is also the best opportunity to snap your child’s photo with parade royalty or in the Keystone Kops’ jalopy.)
If you like to enter a festival event—the children’s parade, the 10K, the floral exhibit—watch deadlines carefully. Walk-ons are accepted for some parades, but many organizations require advance registration.
Courtesy of Dover PublicationsThe floral festival season gets started with tulip and daffodil parades. In Tacoma, WA, the 75th Daffodil Festival starts with a junior parade on April 5, continues with the “Grand Floral Street Parade” on the 12th and concludes with a marine parade of decorated boats on the 20th.
It’s also time for roses. Thomasville, GA, celebrates with its 87th Annual Rose Show and Festival April 24-26. The first event is the Children’s Rose Bud parade, which downtownthomasville.com describes as “possibly the cutest parade”.
Taking advantage of windy spring weather, Rochester, NY, sponsors a Kite Flight starting at noon May 4 at Ontario Beach Park. and, like many other cities, it also revels in the return of lilacs. Its festival runs May 9-18, with the parade on the 10th. See www.lilacfestival.com for details. Similar festivals are in Lombard, IL, and Spokane, WA.
The Portland, OR, Rose Festival kicks off the end of May with fireworks; the children’s and grand floral parades come in June. Jackson, MI, holds its parade June 1 and in more northerly Mackinac Island, MI, the Lilac Festival is held June 6-15.
In the South, there are even fruit festivals this month! In Ponchatoula, LA, there’s a strawberry celebration April 11-13 (www.lastrawberryfestival.com). And in Texas (Weslaco, to be exact), there’s an Onion Festival. Proclaims the calendar of events at valleychamber.com [scroll down to April]: “If it can be done with an onion, it’s here. . . . Food booths, games, storytellers, bands and entertainment.”
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Community Service — Spuds to Share
Our goal with this column is to suggest ways that you can model the concept of sharing and giving back to your community. There are other practical advantages to community service, too. Kids can use these projects to meet school or youth group requirements for community service and to start building resumes that they’ll use when applying for first jobs or college.
This month, in acknowledgment of 2008 being declared the International Year of the Potato by the United Nations and in recognition of how much potatoes can do to help the hungry, we hope you’ll plant a spud or two to benefit your local food bank. Potato plants don’t take much room—you can grow a couple in a flower bed or even one in a bucket—and it’s fun to see how they sprout from the eyes of a seed potato. According to the UN, a potato plant produces more nutritious food more quickly, on less land, and in harsher climates than any other major crop. There’s a huge bonus, too: as much as 85 percent of a potato is edible human food, compared to about 50 percent for a cereal crop like wheat or rice.
Vintage photo of Idaho Spud factory, courtesy of Idaho Candy Co.Not warm enough in your community to plant yet? Then start with a look at www.potato2008.org (“Hey, Kids” in the top menu) and a visit to your local garden center to select the varieties you will plant when spring does arrives. Pull out a cookbook, too, and see how many ways you can cook potatoes. (For dessert, the Idaho Candy Co. web site, www.idahospud.com, serves up a little history about a family-owned company; it makes a candy bar that looks like a potato!)
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Raise funds with a Parenting Press Book Fair
Would your school or group like a new fund-raiser?
For years Parenting Press has been offering its carefully written books on child guidance, problem-solving and dealing with feelings through preschool Book Fairs. Now our Book Fairs are being expanded to schools, churches, child-care programs, parenting groups—any organization that can use parenting and children’s books.
More information about our Book Fairs is posted online. We have posted a copy of the brochure, an explanation of how much you can earn with a Book Fair, a step-by-step guide to make Book Fairs easy and fun to organize and downloadable promotional materials.
III. POTPOURRI
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Special of the month—We’re Proud of Angry!
This special has expired.
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