How Much is Enough?

Parents who over-coddle, over-schedule and over-stimulate would do well to cut back or risk damage for generations to come, according to authors Clarke, Dawson (co-authors of Growing Up Again) and Bredehoft (chair of the department of social and behavioral sciences at Concordia University, St. Paul). Unchecked, overindulgence can create kids who lack even the most basic skills, morals and emotions, they say. Considering the popularity of the ‘they’re-only-kids-once’ people who encourage individuality and permissiveness, this is certainly a different—maybe even controversial—approach . . . Go ahead, these authors say, love them dearly but while you are at it, give them chores, rules, structure and a united front—the results will be overwhelmingly positive.

Nearly all parents wish to provide their children with the advantages they never had growing up. But often, these good intentions produce negative consequences. As a result, many children are raised with a strong sense of entitlement, having few opportunities to learn the value of earning anything.

This overindulgence can take three forms, the authors write. First, some children are given too much and have difficulty understanding what is enough. Second, parents might over-nurture, doing for their children what their kids can do themselves. And third, homes have a soft structure in which rules don’t exist or are not enforced.

Many of the book’s chapters include a section called “In Their Own Voices,” in which adults speak of the difficulties they had growing up in homes where such patterns existed.

The authors list four questions to ask to determine whether the outcome might lead to overindulgence. These questions encourage parents to consider whether the child’s development will be fostered or hindered, the cost to family resources, whose needs are being met and the possible harm. The authors also clarify the difference between overindulgence and spoiling.

“How Much Is Enough?” reminds parents that real self-esteem cannot come from having expensive clothes or “cool” parents. It comes from feeling that one has earned possessions, skills and respect.