Question: How can I avoid confrontations with parents? I want to be supportive of parents and work as their partners but sometimes . . .

Answer: Whether you work in child care, early childhood education, a school, counseling, or parent education, you probably encounter parents who fuss, fuss, fuss about almost everything. But, say the parent educators to whom we posed this question, it’s important to consider the parents’ perspective.

Overprotectiveness or natural concern? “Often my husband and I feel that we are labeled bossy and/or overprotective of our own young child,” chuckles Susan Trostle Brand, a professor of early childhood education at the University of Rhode Island. But they’re not, Dr. Brand says: they are simply well-educated, well-informed, conscientious and caring parents who want the best for their child. Her suggestion: “Take the time to understand the reasons for undesirable parental behaviors.” And address those reasons, adds Barbara Payne Shelton at Villa Julie College in Stevenson, Maryland. If parents express concerns about safety, let them know what you do. “It’s also a good idea to make sure that your safety measures are appropriate,” reminds Dr. Shelton.

Understand family history. Do you know the family situation fully, asks Dr. Brand. Does the child have special needs of which you are unaware? What prior experiences has the child (or family) had that may warrant this seeming overprotectiveness?

Accept parents’ values. Sometimes this is hard, especially when those values conflict with your values and education, notes Patty Meritt, an associate professor of early childhood education at the University of Alaska, Fairbanks. Although you cannot endorse any action that may result in harm to the child, you need to respect the parents’ right to make choices that differ from yours.

Find common ground. Make sure the parents understand that you share their goals. For example, says Dr. Meritt, maybe the parents who are upset when you let their daughter play in the mud will agree that they want the child to grow up with a curious, creative mind. If the parents share this long-term goal, they may eventually see that staying clean is less important than exploring.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Tell the parents what you are doing and why, emphasizes Dr. Shelton. Make sure they understand the long-term positive benefits of giving children independence. Make sure you clearly and regularly communicate classroom procedures and expectations for children and parents, adds Dr. Brand.

Reassure parents. Make them feel as if they have made an excellent choice for their child, says Lois Astern, who works with the School Board of Broward County and Nova Southeastern University. And make sure parents feel as if they are partners in the child’s development.

Compiled by Linda Carlson and first published in PEP Talk. Copyright Parenting Press 2004. Reprinted here courtesy of Parenting Press, www.ParentingPress.com/peptalk.html

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