Question: How can I help my kids “fire” friends?

Answer: If you work with adolescents or teenagers or their parents, you may get asked for suggestions when kids need to eliminate someone from their social circle. Here’s what parent educators recommended when we asked what to do about kids who pressure our children to participate in illegal, dangerous or cruel activities such as the use of liquor, drugs or date-rape drugs, unsafe driving, hazing, vandalism, casual sex, skipping school or cheating on exams.

An ounce of prevention . . . Far more effective than intervention is early education and role-modeling, says Janet Benavente, a Brighton, Colorado extension agent. Create opportunities for children to develop age-appropriate decision-making practices as young as preschool. Be aware of the ages, seasons and times of day when kids are most vulnerable to certain kinds of peer pressure. For example, many American kids begin to use tobacco and liquor before age 12. School vacations and weekdays between 3 and 6 p.m.—when kids are often on their own—are when most teenagers report experimenting with sex, drugs and liquor. Parents need to know their children’s friends and help their children understand what behavior these kids might consider acceptable.

Help kids set high standards. Elisa Shackelton, a Craig, Colorado extension agent, says she and her children discuss what makes a great friend (a perfect “10” on the friendship scale) and how hanging out with 10s helps her children raise their expectations of themselves. “By assigning a number to a friend . . . it helps my children identify behaviors they do not approve of.”

Brainstorm the break-up. Parents should help a child decide what he or she wants to do instead of continuing the relationship. Friends don’t always have to be “fired.” Kids can simply distance themselves from these people, always being too busy. However, there are situations where a relationship (whether platonic or romantic) needs to be severed. Parents can help their children by talking through what’s wrong with the friendship and role-playing what to say.

Anticipate ostracism or abuse. Especially when there has been a “firing,” your child may be ostracized by the group that includes the former friend or subjected to name-calling, vicious gossip or possibly even physical abuse.

Provide extra support. When parents know (or suspect) that former friends are creating a hostile environment at school, sports or other activities, they should make an extra effort to talk to their kids about the day’s happenings and make home a safe, loving place. Even if ending a relationship doesn’t result in verbal abuse, kids will be lonely and need parents’ help in finding new interests until a new circle of friends has been developed. Parents should make sure they are available to provide some of the social interaction the kids are now not receiving from friends. “Don’t expect the teen to immediately jump into another group and act as if nothing has happened,” reminds Benavente.

Written by Linda Carlson and first published in PEP Talk. Copyright Parenting Press 2004. Reprinted here courtesy of Parenting Press, www.ParentingPress.com/peptalk.html

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